Older Folks BBQing? ER Bound: Here's When
Oh brilliant, the CDC just discovered that seniors aren't huge fans of turning into human BBQ. Who knew climate change wasn't just a fun beach party for the wrinkly set?
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"Decades Late: UT-Austin Finally Remembers Student's Murdered Brother"
Oh, thrilling! After only four decades, Austin police have finally decided to charge someone for the 1980 murder of Susan Leigh Wolfe. But hey, let's not get too excited; Charles Wolfe is merely "cautiously optimistic." Because when justice moves at the speed of continental drift, who can blame him for not breaking out the confetti? Way to set the bar high, Austin PD!
Oh Boy, When's Kamala Dropping Her Mic at 2024 DNC? Streaming Deets Here!
Oh joy, the spectacle of performative progressivism concludes tonight with a grand finale from our favorite 'Justice' warrior turned VP, Kamala 'I was that cop' Harris. Hold onto your pearls and politically correct hats, folks!
Oh great, because football and diabetes weren't already a perfect pair.
OMG, just what the world needs — a heart-clogging collab from Krispy Kreme and Dr Pepper to "celebrate" football season. Because nothing says " touchdown" like a sugar coma and corporate greed huddle. Yay, sportsball!
"Capitalism Prevails: Diabetes Duo Tackles Football Fans, Because Who Needs Healthcare?"
Oh great, just what America needs—a Type 2 Diabetes Dream Team. Krispy Kreme and Dr Pepper have huddled together to bring you a squad of junk-filled doughnuts for football season. Because nothing says "touchdown" like a sugar coma. Thanks, corporate overlords, for keeping us healthy and woke! 🍩🥤🏈💀
"Yeehaw Capitalism! Texas Lottery Results for August 20, 2024 – Still Dreamin' of That Woke Windfall!"
Oh, fabulous! You can now waste your precious dollars on Texas's daily lottery games and contribute to the grand illusion of instant wealth. Who needs fair wages or universal healthcare when you’ve got a 1 in a gazillion shot at becoming a millionaire, am I right?
"Thanks for resetting, jackpot! Only $20M? So much for universal basic income."
Oh, you mean someone *actually* won the Powerball? Shocker! Now it's back to a measly $20 million. Thanks a lot, mystery millionaire. Guess the rest of us will just have to keep grinding in this late-stage capitalist nightmare. Can't wait for the next "big" win.
"Kealing Middle School Rises Like a Phoenix (Because, You Know, Capitalism Can't Afford a Day Off)"
Oh, brilliant! After a week of playing with fire, Kealing Middle School finally decided to grace us with its presence. Better late than never, right, Austin? Let’s just hope the school year doesn’t go up in flames too.
Oh Wow, Austin Ex-Official *Shocked* That Their City Dares to Fund Human Rights
Oh, fantastic! Austin City Council just blew $400K on abortion vacations instead of, you know, fixing potholes or funding schools. Priorities, right?
"Bravo, Austin Energy! 7,000 customers enjoy involuntary candlelit dinners till 8 PM. Progress!"
Oh, fantastic! Just in time for the *electoral college* of candles to convene. Thanks, capitalism! 🙄🌚
Power to the People! (Literally, East Austin, for Once)
Oh, fantastic! East Austin residents got to enjoy a four-hour sauna session today, courtesy of the city's power grid. But don't worry, folks — they're still "investigating" the cause. Maybe it was the heat's fault for being too hot? Who knows?
Texas to Trans Folks: "Sorry, Your ID's Stuck in the Past!"
Oh, fantastic! Texas has made the gender marker change process so clear that even a magical 8-ball would be like, "Ask again later, buddy. I'm confuzzled."
Oh Boy, More Old White People! DNC Day 3 "Diversity" Lineup Revealed
Oh joy, another thrilling lineup of corporate sellouts and performative progressives on Day 3 of the Democratic circus! Don't miss out on the future of incremental change!
"Dolphins Identify as Rocket Scientists, Right-Wing Media Silent"
Oh great, because the ocean isn't already enough of a TikTok stage. Dolphins frolicking for the masses while their homes warm up like a hot tub. Thanks, San Diego whale watchers, for the viral reminder that even marine life knows how to perform for the camera.
"Poetry Queen Amanda Gorman to Woke-splain Democracy at 2024 DNC - Get Your Tissues Ready, Conservatives!"
Oh, fabulous! Amanda Gorman, poet laureate of the woke universe, is gearing up to grace the 2024 DNC stage with yet another original masterpiece. Brace yourselves, it's not just politics, it's poetry in motion, people. Cancel your plans, this is a happening!
Oh, Just Typical Texas: "ERCOT Scrambles as Heat Shatters Records, Grid Panics"
Oh, fantastic! Texas' power grid just hit a new record high. But don't worry, ERCOT's got it all under control—except for those pesky Harris County outages. Way to keep it consistently chaotic, Texas! 🌞💥
Oh great, because Texas needed more fried hypocrisy.
Oh brilliant, because nothing screams "progressive utopia" like shoving free fast food down 34 throats to honor a multimillionaire's jersey number. Priorities on point, America!
Oh, just typical BMW: 'Your Water Pump Might Set Your Car Ablaze, No Biggie!'
Oh, fantastic! BMW finally made something truly exclusive: a recall for nearly 721,000 "ultimate driving machines." Who knew the X1, X3, X4, and X5 would become the X-Factors in a massive automotive oopsie? Thanks, NHTSA, for the eco-unfriendly flashback.
"Bodes of Injustice: Micro-tweaks for Macro-BS!"
Oh fabulous, another groundbreaking study telling us that the way to keep weight off is to – wait for it – change our entire existence. Because simply living wasn't complicated enough already. Thanks, science.
Oh Look, Another Japanese Woman Holds "Oldest Person" Title—Where's the Diversity, Patriarchy?
Oh great, another centenarian dethroned by the Grim Reaper. Tomiko Itooka, 116, now holds the esteemed title of "World's Oldest" — how exciting for her list of accomplishments, which includes outliving almost everyone and loving bananas. Thrilling. Can we all just agree to invest in sustainable healthcare and stop clapping when people manage to survive this long on our messed-up planet?