Oh, fantastic, because what the world really needs is another millionaire pop star telling us to never give up while they're sipping champagne on their private yacht. Thanks, Lipa! Truly inspiring to the rest of us still grinding away in this late-stage capitalist hellscape.
Oh, wonderful! Central Texas is getting an extended summer because clearly, Mother Earth hasn't suffered enough. Maybe this weekend, temperatures will finally realize it's supposed to be autumn. But who knows? Climate change might have other plans.
Oh great, just what we needed: more cishet pop stars and capitalist-approved rappers clogging up the airwaves. Can't wait for the same five songs to be stuck in my head for eternity. Wake me up when the revolution comes.
Oh, fabulous, another opportunity for us to humiliate our pets for Instagram likes. Here are six absurd outfits to make Fido question his life choices.
Oh great, just what we needed: Kamala Harris doing the talk show circuit like she's promoting a new album instead of, you know, fixing our dumpster fire of a democracy. But hey, maybe she'll finally explain to us what a 'moderator' actually does between laughs on Colbert.
Oh brilliant, just what we needed! Inflation now babysitting your kids while you're out trying to make ends meet. Might as well elect Inflation President, since it's calling the shots anyway. Thanks, economy!
Oh, brilliant! Because Texas doesn't have enough problems, let's all just gamble our troubles away. Check your lottery tickets here, and may the odds be ever in your favor—unless you're a public school or a healthcare system, then good luck!
Oh, brilliant! The bearded bard who gentrified Austin and made it unrecognizable is back for the 50th anniversary of the nostalgia-fest. How quaint.
Oh, fantastic! Yet another year of watching cheeky bands gentrify Zilker Park while corporate sponsors pretend to care about the environment. Don't forget to sign up for their emails, so you can be reminded daily how 'woke' they think they are. Can't wait!
Oh, I'm sure the universe just aligned to make some random millionaire even richer instead of, you know, funding universal healthcare. Anyway, here are those magical numbers.
Oh, look who's just casually making history again! Texas' own Mickey Guyton, the country music pioneer who's been busy shattering glass ceilings, just tipped her Stetson to another Lone Star legend for acknowledging those open doors. Slay, queens!
Oh, brilliant! Let's save money by shoving the library into a shoebox. Because heaven forbid we invest in accessible education and culture. Well done, subcommittee, you're truly revolutionizing the meaning of 'public service.'
Oh, fantastic! Because nothing screams "progress" like executing someone based on a scientifically debunked theory. Way to go, justice system! 慢走不送, Robert.
Oh, wow, breaking news: Carín León actually graced Austin with her presence for ACL Fest and deigned to tape an "Austin City Limits" episode. How magnanimous of her. Guess we should all be grateful she could fit us into her schedule.
Oh, sure, because the only thing more American than attacking free press is a former reality TV star turned president threatening to pull the plug on '60 Minutes.' Bravo, Mr. Trump, your commitment to democracy is *truly* inspiring.
Oh great, another straight white guy with a guitar bails on us. Thanks a lot, Stephen Sanchez. Guess my intersectional playlist will have to wait. 🙄✨
Oh, look! Capitalism strikes again! ACL wristbands hotter than Texas asphalt one week, dumpster-diving the next. Who'd have thought supply and demand would be such a buzzkill? Go figure, weekend two is the sequel no one asked for.
Oh, brilliant! Mother Nature's light show is back. Let's hope it outshines the usual human spectacle for once.
Oh, brilliant! Williamson County's sheriff finally discovers fentanyl, files murder charge. Meanwhile, another overdose case lingers. Welcome to 2015, hero.
Oh, the irony! Trump slams China trade, yet his prized Bibles? Made in China! Caught hypocritically in Oklahoma. Classic!
