Perfect! Austin Blows $120M on Glorified Police Clubhouses.
Oh, brilliant! Let's consolidate our problems into one oversized, overpriced government playpen. Because if there's one thing we need, it's a bigger building to house our systemic issues.
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Oh, Sure, Because God Forbid We Prioritize People Over Cars
Oh, fantastic! Because heaven forbid we create a city for people, not cars.
"Trigger-Happy Arkansas Dad Plays Judge, Jury, Executioner to Daughter's Teenage Beau"
Arkansas dad, Aaron Spencer, wins "Father of the Year" by allegedly going full 'Taken' on a man found with his missing daughter. Because nothing says ' family values' like taking the law into your own hands, right? 🙄
Oh, for Fudge's Sake, Austin! Can't Take Your Eyes off Your Screens for a Sec? APD Says "Bye-Bye, iPhones"
Oh, brilliant! While festival-goers were enjoying the music, Austin's finest were busy with a weekend bonanza of busts and reports. Because nothing says "live music capital of the world" like 70 offense reports and 225 calls. Way to keep it real, ACL.
Texas Man-Child Drops Tantrum Suit Against Abortion Allies
Oh brilliant, just what we needed—the mastermind behind Texas' dystopian abortion ban is now playing hero for some Galveston dude. Can't wait to see what fresh hell this dynamic duo unleashes next.
Oh great, another reason to go vegan. Thanks, BrucePac.
Oh fabulous, just what we needed! Your grocery haul might be a game of Russian roulette, thanks to our spectacular food safety system. Bon appétit, America! 🍔💣
Oh Fabulous, Your Capitalist Music Festival Survival Guide: What to Splurge On, When to Show Off, How to Feed the Machine.
Oh, you're going to ACL Fest? Let me guess, you're gonna wear a fringe jacket to culturally appropriate the locals and Uber there to avoid public transit? Good luck with that!
Oh, You Think You Know This Year's ACL Fest Lineup? Prove It, Music Hipster!
Oh, you've been "studying" the lineup and making playlists? How cute! You're practically a music scholar now, right? But let's see how well you can recognize these artists beyond their top 40 hits, champ.
Oh Joy, Musk's Cybercab: Coming Soon to Congest Your Streets at an Elite Price!
Oh joy, just what we needed! Elon Musk, the billionaire who definitely won't be using his new Cybercab robotaxi to plot world domination, has unveiled his latest creation. Because when you think of reliable public transport, you immediately think of a Tesla event called "We, Robot." No dystopian vibes here, folks! Move along, nothing to see.
"Capitalism Strikes Again: 2 Dead, 35 Poisoned in Texas Oil Tycoon's Toxic Oopsie"
Oh fabulous, just what we needed! Texas breathes easy as shelter-in-place orders are lifted, because who cares about a little hydrogen sulfide with your morning coffee? Only two people dead and a few dozen injured at the Pemex party—small price to pay for that sweet, sweet oil, right? 😒💨🛢️
Oh, because heaven forbid they play on someone's home turf and trigger a safe space alert!
Oh, brilliant! Because nothing screams "progress" like century-old football grudge matches. Way to keep those rivalries as fresh as the 1920s, Texas and Oklahoma.
Oh Joy! Walmart's 99 Cent Deals: Because Poverty is the New Festive
Oh, fantastic! Because nothing screams holiday cheer like lining the pockets of billionaires while trampling workers' rights. Be sure to act fast and save big on exploitation, folks!
Oh Wow, Even Music Festivals Are Guilty of Astrological Profiling Now?
Oh, you're a toxic Scorpio? *Shocking*. Here's a playlist: "ACL Artists for When You're Being Extra Scorpio-y and Can't Handle Your Own Emotions". Aquarius? Try "Songs for Pretentious Hipsters who Claim to Be Unique but All Listen to the Same Indie Bands". Sagittarius, "Tunes for When You're Ghosting Your Friends Because 'Wanderlust'". Capricorn, "Music for Workaholics Who Think Having a Demanding Personality is a Good Thing". Enjoy!
Friday's ACL Fest: Stapleton, blink-182, and Other Least-Problematic Weekend Two Picks
Oh fabulous, another weekend where basic Beckys and bros swarm ACL Fest to toss around corporate hashtags and pretend they know the lyrics. Brace yourselves for more tone-deaf cultural appropriation and $15 craft beers! But hey, at least the music was decent last week. Here, feast your gentrified ears on the best of the mediocre!
Oh, Look! Austin Discovers "Greenspace" Isn't Just for Avocado Toast.
Oh, brilliant! Let's celebrate the bureaucratic masterstroke of the century! The city finally figured out how to actually use the park bond money for—wait for it—parks! Wow, who would've thought? It's almost like they've been holding out on us this whole time. Groundbreaking stuff, really.
Pumpkin Spice Privilege: Texas Takes Another Thing We Love
Oh, by all means, let's celebrate Floydada, because heaven forbid we miss an opportunity to crown another 'capital' in this country. I mean, who needs universal healthcare when you've got a whole town of pumpkins, right? Thanks a bunch, 1950s roadside family, you've really moved the needle on society. #PumpkinPriorities #SmashingThe PatriarchyOneGourdAtATime
"Texas, because who needs actual seasons? Sizzle now, shiver later!"
Oh brilliant, just what we needed! North Texas is getting a sneak peek of the fiery hellscape our climate deniers have been cooking up. Enjoy the near-record heat this weekend, folks, because apparently, Mother Nature thinks 'fall' is just a suggestion. But don't worry, a cold front's on the way—better late than never, right?
Oh Joy! Austin PD Unleashes Year-Round Sobriety Spectacle
Oh, fantastic! Now we can all enjoy the perpetual joy of sobriety checkpoints. Because nothing says "freedom" like a daily dose of "papers, please." Thanks, Big Brother! 🤨🍸🚔
"Oh yay, a book van! Because what Austin kids really need is more dusty paper when they can't even afford tablets."
Oh, fabulous! The Assistance League has rolled out a whole van to save the day for the summer reading program. Because, you know, nothing says "literacy revolution" like a vehicle donation. Way to shift those gears of change, folks!
Austin's Friday Forecast: ACL Fest Hot, Repubs Still Cold
Oh, fantastic! Just when we thought Mother Nature might give us a break, she's decided to turn Austin City Limits into a giant sauna. Because who needs fall weather when you can have climate change-induced summer round two? Enjoy your festival sweat-fest, folks!