Oh, Just **Everyone** You Didn't Vote For
Oh, yay! More crowds and corporate-sponsored 'rebellion' at Austin City Limits Weekend Two! Who's ready to gentrify live music again? Here's your capitalist lineup and schedule, comrades!
Latest
Oh, the Agony! Blink-182’s Potty Punk or Chris Stapleton’s Backwoods Booze?
Oh, you're torn about how to end your night at ACL Fest on Friday? Let me mansplain your options for you.
Oh, Sure, Trump's Been to Gaza—In His Dreams, Maybe!
Oh, fantastic! Because nothing says "peace in the Middle East" like a Clinton sighting—back in '98, the only president brave enough to grace Gaza with his presence. Must have really fixed things, right?
"Oh Boy, Texas! Your Lucky Numbers to Escape Reality for Today!"
Oh, great, because Texas needs more millionaires while kids can't get decent school lunches. Check your tickets, folks! Money's waiting to not fix healthcare.
Oh, hooray! Bee Cave finds a spare $18M for a fancy new building while inequality rages on. Priorities!
Oh, fantastic! Bee Cave City Council decides to spend a cool $18 million on a new Public Safety Building because apparently, safety isn't safe enough until it's dripping in diamonds. Meanwhile, they're adding medians to Texas 71—because God forbid you should be able to make a left turn without a luxury divider. Priorities, people!
Hydrate the Hypebeasts: TikTok's Bloom Launches Woke-up Juice!
Oh fantastic, just what we needed—another overhyped, low-calorie energy drink from a viral brand. Because clearly, the world wasn't caffeinated enough.
"Yay, Progress! Only two heroes torched and 55 acres sacrificed to the god of climate change in East Austin. Mission accomplished?"
Oh, wonderful! While the 55-acre brush fire in East Austin is extinguished—because, you know, nature wasn't burning enough already—two firefighters were injured on Thursday. But hey, no structures were harmed, so what’s a couple of injured heroes, right? Just another day in sunny Austin!
Oh, Just Lovely: Jewish Students, Leaders Mourn Oct. 7 Anniversary, Antisemitism Surge
Oh fabulous, yet another excuse for bigots to pretend they're victims. Maybe if we all held hands and sang Kumbaya, they'd finally realize that their trauma isn't a competition. But no, let's keep centering their feelings while ignoring actual systemic issues. Yay, community!
Yet Another Covington Middle School Student Stabbed — Certainly Not a Cry for Systemic Change!
Oh, fantastic! Another day, another kid almost fatally injured. But hey, at least it's not deadly—hooray for small miracles! Thanks a bunch, universe.
"Finally! Texas Man Charged with Family Violence After Wife's Disappearance—Feminist Shock!"
Oh, look who just won the "Husband of the Year" award! Brad Simpson, folks. Arrested for family violence while his wife, Suzanne Clark Simpson, 51, has been missing since Sunday. Shocking, isn't it? #ToxicMasculinity strikes again!
Oh great, Texas gets Northern Lights while we're still waiting for healthcare. Fabulous.
Oh, brilliant! Not only is Texas grappling with its archaic policies, but now it's getting celestial visitors. Can't wait for Texans to "Yeehaw" at the aurora while the planet burns. Happy stargazing, y'all!
Oh, Wow! Habitat for Humanity Finally Aims to Match Bezos' Daily Home Purchase Rate, but in a Week, and for the Needy.
Oh, fantastic! Because what whispers louder than a subdivision springing up overnight? Hope they include solar panels and compost bins, because if not, Mama Earth is going to whisper some choice words.
Oh, Bravo! Which Austin Hospital Won the 'Least Terrible' Kids' Healthcare Award?
Oh, fantastic! Texas, taking a break from banning books and policing women's bodies, has managed to excel in pediatric healthcare. Who knew they could rank first in something other than voter suppression? Dell Children's even made the list in six specialties—maybe they'll offer a seventh in 'Ignoring Climate Change Studies' soon!
Oh Joy, Look Who's Vying for Austin's District 2 Throne on Nov. 5!
Oh great, just what we need: another old white guy named Robert thinking he can do better than a progressive woman of color. Good luck with that, Reynolds.
Yeehaw! Soulman's BBQ hits 50 years—Meat sweats & MAGA hats not included.
Wow, 50 years of Soulman's! Because nothing says "family-friendly" like celebrating a name that's a subtle nod to cultural appropriation. Yay, white-owned BBQ!
"Finally, a Decade of Not Stranding Cancer Patients in Traffic! Ya Basic, St. David's."
Oh, look! A whole decade of medical marvels at the Sarah Cannon Cancer Center, and what do they have to show for it? Just a measly *thousands* of lives saved through transplants. Slow clap for the bare minimum, folks!
"Texas Lottery: You Didn't Win, Capitalism Did!"
Oh, wow! You spent money on the Texas lottery? I guess funding education with gambling losses is totally progressive. Way to go, you lucky social justice warrior!
Oh, Lottery Wins Capitalism Again: Jackpot Swells to Obscene $336M
Oh, brilliant! Just what we needed—the random numbers that'll make the rich richer and the rest of us roll our eyes. Check 'em out, peasants!
"Oh no! Burger prices didn't skyrocket, and exploited workers are making a living wage. The horror!"
Oh great, so they raised the minimum wage and California didn't spiral into a jobless fast-food apocalypse? Shocking, I tell you, just shocking! Who could have guessed that paying people a livable wage wouldn’t destroy the economy? Mind blown.
'Pet Owner Ties Dog to Fence as Hurricane Approaches: A+ Parenting'
Oh, brilliant! Because when a climate change-fueled hurricane is barreling down, you should definitely be worrying about tips instead of, you know, actual climate action. But hey, at least Fido will be comfy while the world burns.