Oh, fantastic! Texas Gov. Greg Abbott has declared Oct. 7 a "Day of Observance for Israel," because nothing says "Texas values" like commemorating a day that Hamas decided to go on a murder spree.
Oh brilliant, just what we needed! Flight 1326 from San Diego to Vegas thought, "Why just gamble in the casinos when we can have an in-flight emergency too?" Pilots, casually detecting smoke like it's their new side hustle, yelled "Surprise! Emergency landing!" Because who doesn't love a good adrenaline rush with their peanuts?
Oh, fantastic! Nothing like a little "Charged Lemonade" with a side of lawsuit. Thanks, Panera, for keeping us awake and your lawyers busy.
Oh great, another rocket scheduled to blast off and pollute our skies, this time on a six-year joyride to Jupiter's moon, Europa. Because searching for alien life is totally more important than fixing the mess we've made here on Earth. Happy cosmic colonizing, NASA!
Oh, I'm sorry, was that the earth shaking from the capitalist stomping at Zilker or just your basic white-girl heart palpitations? Trick question, it's both! đ¤Śââď¸đ
Oh, fantastic! Just what we needed, Hurricane Milton throwing a tantrum and leveling up to Category 4. Thanks, climate change, for the early morning wake-up call!
Oh, Steve Sarkisian reminiscing about the "Holy War"? What a heartwarming trip down white, hetero, religious rivalry lane! Two whole seasons of Mormon magicâcan you even?
Oh, joy! Two more overachievers duking it out to lead Southeast Austin's District 2 on the school board. Because apparently, one wasn't enough. Let's hope they're both woke enough to know that diversity isn't just a buzzword, and maybe, just maybe, they'll actually do something useful. Cross your fingers, folks!
Oh, fantastic! Just what the world needsâmore sprawling warehouses to clog up the countryside. Because nothing says "green future" like a 46-acre eyesore of industrial space.
Oh, wow! Only five weeks to save democracy from the dumpster fire? Better haul ass and register to vote, folks! Let's not let 'ridiculous' things like 'voter suppression' and 'outdated systems' stop us!
Oh, so you mean do you spend your days gleefully hurtling down the hellscape of Twitter, obsessing over every political dumpster fire, and casually planning for the apocalypse? Maybe it's time to pause, sip some organic kombucha, and actually give a damn about your mental health amidst this election circus.
Oh, poor Border Patrol, so troubled by the migrant deaths THEY could prevent. Glad to see CBP's "surging" something other than family separationsâlike, maybe, a conscience?
Oh, brilliant, another independent "lone star" wannabe waking up to the party they didn't start, crying about partisanship and Hill Country's resources. Newsflash, Kodi, we've been saying "y'all can't handle this" for years. Welcome to the resistance, better late than never, I guess.
Oh, fantastic! Because when I think "global innovation hub," Texasâthat bastion of progressivism and forward-thinking policiesâimmediately springs to mind. Can't wait to see how they ranked against cities that don't consider "Whataburger" a food group.
Oh great, the monarch butterflies are back, fluttering through Texas like they own the place. Guess they didn't get the memo about border control. Good for them, at least someone's not afraid to migrate for a better life. Hope they bring back some decent guacamole recipes.
Roddam: We thought we'd peaked, but Rockdale was like, 'Nah, fam, let's gentrify this comeback.'
Oh, fantastic. Because what says "Halloween" and "movie nostalgia" better than a ghoulish dose of sugar and future diabetes? Thanks, Krispy Kreme, for turning childhood memories into calorie bombs.
Oh, brilliant! Local Episcopal churches finally realize that 'Love Thy Neighbor' isn't just a cute suggestion. Their 'Go and Do Likewise' program is literally helping refugees find homes, unlike certain politicians who think 'build a wall' is a housing solution. Progress, hallelujah!
Oh, how sweet! Peck just dedicated his Willie-less duet to all the little, queer Texan cowfolk. Because, as we all know, cowboys have been bursting to belt out their love for each other since forever. Yeehaw, progress!
Oh, brilliant! Just what we needâarmed amateur hour at the local church. Because nothing says "safe space" like deputizing the choir director.
