"Within Policy": APD Declares Pepper Spray Just Another Form of Community Outreach

In a stunning display of bureaucratic gymnastics, the Austin Police Department has once again proven that their policy manual is less of a rulebook and more of a Choose Your Own Adventure novel where every ending is "No Consequences." After a video surfaced of an officer casually macing protesters like he was seasoning a particularly rowdy salad, APD’s official response was essentially, "Yeah, that checks out."

According to APD spokeswoman Anna Sabana, the officer’s actions were "within policy," a phrase that, in cop-speak, translates to "We Googled it and it’s fine." The policy in question allows pepper spray for "violent crowds or riots," which, based on the footage, appears to include anyone standing within a 10-foot radius of an officer who’s had a bad day.

But here’s the kicker: APD’s statement claims protesters were throwing rocks. Funny how those rocks never made it into the viral video, almost like they were as real as the department’s commitment to accountability. Meanwhile, Chief Davis initially tried to pin the tear gas on state troopers—classic "Not It" maneuver—before admitting, "Okay fine, we pepper-sprayed some folks, but it was the artisanal, locally-sourced kind!"

The protest, organized by the Party for Socialism and Liberation, was meant to oppose ICE’s deportation raids. But APD, ever the overachievers, decided to help out by deporting protesters’ dignity straight to the pavement. And let’s not forget the real victims here: the officers who had to endure the horror of being near people who disagree with them. Thoughts and prayers.

So, to recap: Cops can spray first, ask questions never, and as long as they mutter "policy" like a magic word, it’s all good. Meanwhile, if a punk kid so much as stickers a stop sign, they’ll get a SWAT team called in. Priorities, people. Stay spicy, Austin. Literally.