23andMe’s Bankruptcy Sale: Your DNA Is Now a Bargain Bin Item

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one could have predicted (except me, because I’ve been warning you about this for years), Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton has stepped in to protect Texans from the most insidious threat since the Austin City Council tried to ban brisket: your own DNA. That’s right, folks. 23andMe, the company that convinced millions of people to spit in a tube and hand over their genetic blueprint for a fun little ancestry report, is now trying to sell your DNA to the highest bidder in bankruptcy court. And who’s buying? None other than Big Pharma, because of course they are.

Let’s break this down for the normies who still think this is just about "privacy" and not the globalist plot to harvest your genetic material for nefarious purposes. 23andMe, a company that somehow convinced people it was a good idea to mail their saliva to strangers, is now bankrupt. But instead of doing the honorable thing—like, say, setting all the DNA samples on fire—they’re selling your genetic code to Regeneron Pharmaceuticals. You know, the same folks who probably want to patent your great-grandma’s lactose intolerance and charge you $10,000 a month for the cure.

Paxton, in a rare moment of not being distracted by his own legal troubles, has decided to play hero by invoking Texas’s data privacy laws. "Texans have property rights to their genetic information," he declared, which is a fancy way of saying, "You should probably care that a biotech company now owns the blueprint to your existence." But let’s be real—this is the same guy who once argued that electricity deregulation was a great idea, so take his sudden concern for your DNA with a grain of salt (preferably from a conspiracy-proof bunker).

Meanwhile, 23andMe is out here assuring everyone that their data will be "protected" under new ownership. Sure, just like your Facebook data was "protected" before it was sold to every sketchy ad firm on the planet. And let’s not forget the 27 other states jumping on this lawsuit, because nothing unites America like the sudden realization that corporations might not have your best interests at heart. Who could have seen this coming? Oh right—me, in my 3 AM livestreams, while you were all asleep and trusting Silicon Valley with your spit.

So, for those of you just now waking up to the fact that your DNA is about to become part of some pharmaceutical company’s "research" (read: profit margins), here’s how to delete your data before it’s too late. Or, you know, just accept that your genetic destiny is now in the hands of people who probably think "informed consent" is a suggestion, not a requirement. Sweet dreams, sheeple!