Dan Patrick’s Reefer Madness Tour: Texas’ Least Fun Road Trip

In a stunning display of political courage (or perhaps just a desperate attempt to stay relevant), Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick has embarked on a statewide tour to convince Texans that THC is the devil’s lettuce 2.0. Armed with nothing but outdated scare tactics and a complete lack of firsthand experience, Patrick is determined to save us all from the horrors of… checks notes… mild relaxation and occasional giggle fits.

At a recent stop in Wichita Falls—because nothing says "ground zero for the THC epidemic" like Wichita Falls—Patrick warned the crowd about the dangers of this "very potent, very dangerous" substance. When pressed for details, he admitted he’s never actually tried it, but he’s "heard things." Ah yes, the classic political strategy: legislate based on rumors you overheard at a Cracker Barrel.

Patrick’s crusade against THC is especially ironic given that Texas now has over 8,500 retailers selling the stuff. That’s right, folks—apparently, the free market Patrick claims to love has been hijacked by… checks notes again… capitalism. The horror! His solution? Shut it all down because some of these stores dare to exist near schools. Never mind that there are probably more liquor stores and vape shops in those same areas, but hey, those don’t threaten his reelection campaign.

Meanwhile, Gov. Greg Abbott is playing his favorite game: "Will He or Won’t He Veto?" Abbott, who once compared THC to the fall of Rome (probably), is now weighing arguments from both sides. On one hand, you have veterans and medical patients who say these products help them. On the other, you have Dan Patrick, who says they’re bad because… well, just because. Tough call.

So as Patrick continues his Fear and Loathing in Texas tour, remember: the real danger isn’t THC—it’s politicians who think they know what’s best for everyone while refusing to educate themselves. But hey, at least we’ll always have the memory of that one time a Texas official tried to ban something without ever trying it. Wait, that happens every week. Never mind.

Stay punk, stay skeptical, and for the love of god, don’t let these guys near your weed.