National Guard Deployed to Austin as Radical Left Plans Tofu Coup

Folks, it's happening again—the radical left-wing tofu brigade is descending upon our beloved Austin, and this time, they’ve got the National Guard on speed dial. That’s right, the same people who think kale is a personality trait are now staging a 'No Kings' protest, conveniently timed to ruin President Trump’s birthday military parade. Coincidence? I think not. This is clearly a deep-state operation to distract us from the real issues, like why Austin’s city council keeps replacing taco trucks with vegan juice bars.

Governor Abbott, bless his heart, is playing right into their hands by deploying the National Guard. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good show of force, but let’s be real—these protesters aren’t a threat. They’re too busy knitting 'Abolish ICE' scarves and practicing their slam poetry to actually overthrow the government. Meanwhile, the Guard is checking into a DoubleTree? That’s right, folks, your tax dollars are funding their pillow mints while they 'stand by' for a bunch of folks holding ironic signs.

And let’s talk about Monday’s 'protest.' According to the totally unbiased mainstream media, it was a 'peaceful demonstration' until—shocker—it wasn’t. Rocks were thrown, buildings were vandalized, and cops got pepper-spray happy. But of course, APD says it was 'within policy.' Sure, just like it’s 'within policy' for Austin to keep gentrifying everything until the only thing left is a $12 avocado toast food truck.

Mayor Watson had the audacity to say the violence 'plays into the politics of fear and chaos.' Oh, really? Because last I checked, the only chaos in Austin is trying to find parking downtown that doesn’t cost your firstborn child. But no, let’s blame the protesters instead of the real culprits: the shadowy elites who want to replace our barbecue with quinoa.

So mark your calendars, folks. Saturday at 5 p.m., the circus comes to town—literally. Organizers promise 'pageantry and parody,' which probably means a guy in a Trump wig riding a unicycle while someone else hands out 'Free Hugs (But Only If You’re Woke)' flyers. And remember, if things get out of hand, just look for the National Guard—they’ll be the ones enjoying complimentary cookies at the DoubleTree.