Father’s Day in Austin: A Survival Guide for the Obligatory Celebration

Oh, joy. Another Father’s Day in Austin, where we’re expected to pretend our dads are more than just glorified Uber drivers who occasionally fix the Wi-Fi. The city has graciously provided a smorgasbord of events to celebrate the man who once taught you how to parallel park (poorly) and still insists on grilling burgers like it’s 1999. Let’s dive into the chaos, shall we?\n\nFirst up, Whiskey, Cars & Cigars at Iron Wolf Ranch. Because nothing says “I love you, Dad” like encouraging his midlife crisis with premium cigars and a side of whiskey-induced nostalgia. The event is family-friendly, which is code for “your kids will be traumatized by the sight of Uncle Steve attempting the Macarena after three glasses of bourbon.” But hey, at least there’s a tsunami water slide—perfect for washing away the existential dread of realizing you’ve inherited his receding hairline.\n\nThen there’s Dad Fest at Moontower Saloon, where dads can congregate to discuss their favorite topics: lawn care, the absurdity of avocado toast, and why their music was real music. It’s free, which means you can save your money for the therapy sessions your children will inevitably need after witnessing Dad’s air guitar solo to “Sweet Child O’ Mine.”\n\nFor the athletically inclined (or masochistic), the Dads vs. Kids Soccer Tournament promises to be a bloodbath. Nothing bonds a family like watching Dad pull a hamstring trying to prove he’s “still got it” while your 10-year-old nutmegs him into an early retirement. Shin guards are mandatory, but dignity is optional.\n\nIf your dad fancies himself a sophisticate, the Austin Symphonic Band will serenade him with patriotic tunes. Because nothing says “Happy Father’s Day” like John Philip Sousa’s greatest hits, which will either stir his patriotic soul or remind him of that time he got lost at a Fourth of July parade in 1987. Either way, it’s free, so you can’t complain.\n\nMeanwhile Brewing’s Yacht Rock Concert is for dads who still think Steely Dan is peak musical artistry. It’s all-ages, so prepare for your toddler to ask, “Why does this sound like elevator music?” while Dad sips a craft beer and wistfully murmurs, “They don’t make music like this anymore.” (They do. He just doesn’t listen to it.)\n\nFinally, for the dads who peaked in 2005, there’s the Grill, Gusto & Gran Turismo event, where they can test-drive a Lamborghini and pretend, for one glorious moment, that they’re not driving a minivan with crushed Goldfish crackers in the seats. At $50 a ticket, it’s a small price to pay for the illusion of luxury before returning to the crushing reality of mortgage payments and orthodontist bills.\n\nSo there you have it, Austin. Another year, another round of events designed to make Dad feel special—or at least distract him from the fact that his golf swing is deteriorating faster than his patience for TikTok dances. Happy Father’s Day!