‘No Kings’ Protest: Austin’s Latest Circus-Themed Scream Into the Void

Ah, Austin. The city where you can’t throw a vegan taco without hitting a protest, a tech bro, or a confused tourist wondering why everyone is so angry. This weekend, the Texas Capitol played host to the latest installment of ‘No Kings’, a protest so wholesome it made Whole Foods look like a dive bar. Tens of thousands of Austinites—plus a few out-of-towners who just really love shouting—gathered to yell at the sky about the usual suspects: Trump, ICE, and the general concept of authority.

Organizers, bless their anarchist hearts, went with a circus theme, which was either a brilliant metaphor for American politics or just an excuse for adults to dress like clowns. Either way, mission accomplished. Speakers took turns denouncing the president with the kind of passion usually reserved for Yelp reviews of bad BBQ. One attendee, Monica Castillo, showed up in a Mexican soccer jersey, because nothing says ‘abolish ICE’ like international sports merch. Meanwhile, Stephany Burton painted herself teal and dressed as Lady Liberty, proving once and for all that Austin’s protest scene is just Halloween for people who read theory.

Of course, no Austin demonstration is complete without a cameo from the cops, who showed up on bikes, horses, and—allegedly—with tear gas, because nothing says ‘keeping the peace’ like chemical warfare. Protesters, undeterred, sat in the street like toddlers refusing to leave the playground. Traffic lights blinked helplessly as marchers waved flags and chanted, blissfully unaware that the city’s algorithm had already rerouted all the Uber Eats drivers around them.

Meanwhile, in a twist nobody saw coming, the Capitol was briefly evacuated due to a ‘credible threat’—later revealed to be some guy in La Grange who probably just really hated clowns. Texas DPS, never ones to miss an opportunity to overreact, deployed 5,000 National Guard troops who, in true military efficiency, were nowhere to be seen when the actual protest happened.

By the end of the night, the crowd dispersed, leaving behind only a few stragglers, some drum circles, and the faint smell of patchouli and regret. Organizers called it a ‘resounding success’, which in Austin protest terms means ‘nobody set anything on fire’. But fear not, fellow revolutionaries—this was just the beginning. Because in a city where rent increases faster than the temperature, the only thing louder than the music is the sound of people yelling into the void. See you at the next one. Bring your own clown makeup.