"Five Stars—Would Lose My Mind Here Again!" A Satirical Tour of Austin’s 1874 Asylum

Ah, the good ol’ days of 1874, when men were men, Texas Rangers were writing under ridiculous pseudonyms, and the local asylum was basically a five-star resort for the "eccentrically challenged." That’s right, folks—back then, if you were feeling a little "off," you could just waltz into the Texas State Lunatic Asylum, take a leisurely stroll through the gardens, and maybe even get mistaken for an escaped patient by some overzealous wood-hauling teenagers. What a time to be alive—or at least, alive enough to wander aimlessly through mesquite groves in 100-degree heat.

Let’s talk about this "Pidge" character. A Texas Ranger? A poet? A man who apparently had so many enemies back in Virginia that he had to flee to Texas, only to get shot by the same guy years later? Sounds like the original "Florida Man" to me. And let’s not ignore the fact that he named himself after a woman who was, oh, just the sister of his eventual murderer. Romantic? Sure. Smart? Absolutely not. But hey, at least he left us with some quality journalism about his misadventures at the asylum.

Now, the asylum itself—what a gem. Lush gardens, promenades, a lake? Sounds more like a modern-day hipster Airbnb than a place for the "mentally distressed." And let’s not forget the real heroes here: the attendants who were "prohibited from using force except in extreme cases." How progressive! Of course, by "extreme cases," they probably meant "if a patient looked at them funny," but hey, it’s the thought that counts. And let’s give a round of applause to Dr. Wallace and his crew for making sure the beds were "models for a good housekeeper." Because nothing says "mental wellness" like crisp linens and a well-tucked sheet.

But here’s the real kicker: Pidge’s visit was so delightful that he came away "very favorably impressed." That’s right, folks. The Texas State Lunatic Asylum—where the grounds were prettier than downtown Austin, the staff were "kind and humane" (unless you crossed them), and the only thing missing was a Yelp review. "Five stars—would lose my mind here again!"

So next time you’re feeling a little stressed, just remember: in 1874, you could’ve checked yourself into a state-funded botanical garden with a side of involuntary commitment. And if anyone asked why you were there, you could just blame it on the mesquite groves. Some things never change.