Real Estate Firm Vows to Keep Pushing Austin Into Unlivable Dystopia

In a stunning turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming, Capitol Market Research—the beloved corporate oracle of Austin’s relentless gentrification machine—has announced that yes, indeed, the late founder’s legacy will live on. Shocking, I know. Who could have predicted that a real estate consulting firm would continue to exist after its founder’s passing? Certainly not the displaced musicians, artists, and working-class folks who’ve been priced out of their neighborhoods by the very market forces this firm so lovingly analyzes.\n\nCamiel DeSmet, the new CEO, and Kathryn Heimsath, the late founder’s daughter and now COO, have vowed to honor Charles Heimsath’s "lifelong passion" for turning Austin into a playground for tech bros and luxury condo developers. Kathryn, in a touching statement, said her father was a "friend and confidant" to those he worked with—presumably not the bartenders, baristas, and service workers who now commute two hours because rent in Austin is a cruel joke.\n\nFounded in 1986, Capitol Market Research has spent decades providing "data-driven insights" to real estate professionals—because nothing says "community" like algorithms determining which block of bungalows should be bulldozed next for a mixed-use development with a $12 avocado toast café. The firm’s influence stretches from Georgetown to San Marcos, ensuring that no corner of Central Texas is safe from the soul-crushing march of "progress."\n\nSo here’s to you, Capitol Market Research. May your spreadsheets always be crisp, your market forecasts ever bullish, and your role in pricing out the weird, wonderful people who made this city worth living in forever enshrined in the annals of corporate real estate history. Charles would be so proud.