Texas Malls Rank Among Nation’s Best: A Tragic Reminder That Consumerism Isn’t Dead Yet

Ah, the mall—that sacred temple of consumerism where suburbanites gather to worship at the altars of Sephora and Cinnabon. In a world where Amazon delivers your self-worth in two days or less, it’s heartwarming to see that some malls still cling to relevance like a toddler to a helium balloon at a birthday party. And Texas, bless its big, belt-buckled heart, has not one but two of these “vibrant hubs” (read: air-conditioned monuments to capitalism) ranked among the nation’s best.

Let’s start with Grapevine Mills, the eighth-best mall in America, which is basically Chuck E. Cheese for adults who’ve convinced themselves that buying a discounted Coach purse next to a Rainforest Café counts as a cultural experience. Here, you can drop your kids at LEGOLAND while you contemplate your life choices in a Neiman Marcus Last Call—because nothing says “I’ve made it” like buying last season’s designer rejects next to a giant animatronic frog.

Then there’s Galleria Dallas, the third-best mall in the country, which is basically a normal mall but with an ice rink slapped in the middle like an afterthought. “Oh, you wanted to shop? How quaint. Here, watch a teenager fall on their butt while you sip your overpriced smoothie.” It’s the perfect metaphor for modern retail: superficially glamorous, occasionally entertaining, and ultimately a little sad.

But let’s not forget the real stars of the show—the other malls on the list. Aventura Mall in Florida took the top spot, proving that humidity and existential dread are no match for a good sale at Louis Vuitton. Mall of America came in second, because what’s more American than a shopping center so large it has its own zip code? And Hudson Yards in New York snagged fourth place, which is impressive for a mall that’s basically a billionaire’s art project disguised as retail therapy.

So, dear reader, if you’re feeling nostalgic for a time when “going to the mall” didn’t mean “scrolling Amazon in your pajamas,” fear not. These temples of commerce are still standing, waiting to take your money and your dignity. Just don’t forget to validate your parking.

Heather Worthington is currently boycotting her local mall after a food court worker refused to honor her expired coupon. Follow her on Nextdoor for more hot takes on HOA violations and the moral decay of society.