‘Fort Hood’ Rises Again: Army Base Rebranded After Obscure Officer Because Confederacy Was Too On-The-Nose

In a stunning display of historical revisionism that can only be described as 'peak Trump,' the U.S. Army has begun the arduous task of scrubbing the name 'Fort Cavazos' from existence—because apparently, honoring a Hispanic Medal of Honor winner is just too woke for this administration. Instead, we’re going back to the good ol’ days of Confederate nostalgia, but with a twist so flimsy it could double as a White House press briefing.

That’s right, folks—Fort Hood is back! But don’t worry, this isn’t about that Hood (you know, the traitor who fought to preserve slavery). No, no, no! This is about Colonel Robert B. Hood, a World War I hero so obscure even Google Maps hasn’t heard of him. It’s like renaming a street after 'Jefferson Davis' but insisting it’s actually for 'Jeff Davis, the guy who makes great lattes at the PX.'

Meanwhile, the family of Gen. Richard E. Cavazos—a man who literally carried wounded soldiers to safety under enemy fire—is left wondering why their father’s legacy is being erased faster than a tweet from a Trump staffer. His daughter, Laura Blevins, called the move 'vindictive, hateful, and soulless,' which, coincidentally, is also how historians describe Pickett’s Charge.

But let’s not get bogged down in details like 'honoring actual heroes' or 'not glorifying losers of a rebellion.' The real story here is the sheer bureaucratic genius of this rebranding campaign. Why stop at military bases? Next up: The Washington Monument will be renamed after 'George W. Ashington,' a little-known Revolutionary War hero who once polished a musket really well.

And for those worried about the cost of all this signage switcheroo, fear not! The Army has assured us that the old 'Fort Cavazos' signs will be repurposed—probably as kindling for the next 'Stop the Steal' bonfire.

So let’s raise a glass (of sweet tea, naturally) to the triumphant return of Fort Hood—a name that, much like Confederate ideology, just won’t stay buried. Wake up, sheeple! The deep state may have taken our tofu, but they’ll never take our… uh… marginally less problematic military base names?