Austin Home Prices Dip Slightly, Local Karens Declare Economic Armageddon

Oh, the horror! The absolute travesty of it all! The Austin housing market is—wait for it—becoming slightly more reasonable. I know, I know. How will we ever recover from the sheer indignity of homes being only half a million dollars instead of three-quarters? The median price has plummeted to a mere $449,900. At this rate, we’ll be handing out houses in cereal boxes by Christmas.

But don’t worry, my fellow Westlake warriors—this is not the apocalypse. It’s just what happens when the poors (gasp) finally get a whiff of negotiating power. Suddenly, sellers are forced to lower their expectations, as if they’re not entitled to a 300% return on investment after owning a home for six months. Disgusting.

And let’s talk about these so-called 'experts' with their 'data' and 'logic.' Clare Knapp, some kind of 'housing economist,' dares to suggest that buyers might wait for better prices. The audacity! Don’t they know that real estate is supposed to be a bloodsport where only the most aggressive, over-leveraged bidders win? If people start thinking before buying, what’s next? Rational grocery shopping? Measured car purchases? Anarchy!

Meanwhile, Mark Sprague—who clearly doesn’t understand the sacred duty of homeowners to inflate prices at all costs—claims this is the 'best buyers’ market in seven to 10 years.' Excuse me, sir, but have you seen my property taxes? If I can’t flip my McMansion for a cool million, how am I supposed to fund my next 'Save the Sea Turtles (But Only the Cute Ones)' gala?

And don’t even get me started on the nerve of these buyers, waiting for 'affordability' like it’s some kind of human right. Next, they’ll be demanding public transportation and affordable childcare. The horror!

But fear not, my fellow landed gentry. The market will bounce back. It has to. Because if it doesn’t, I might have to gasp downsize my wine cellar. And that, dear readers, is a fate worse than death.

Until then, I’ll be clutching my pearls and refreshing Zillow every five minutes, praying for the sweet, sweet return of unchecked greed. Stay strong, Austin homeowners. The poors are at the gates, but we will hold the line. (Or at least until the HOA fines them for parking their Hyundai on the street.)