Storm Chaos in Austin: Local Karens Demand Manager, Lightning Strike Refunds

Oh, the horror! The absolute trauma of a storm disrupting the carefully curated lives of Austin’s most important citizens—those of us who pay premium HOA fees for the privilege of living in neighborhoods where even the squirrels are expected to maintain a certain aesthetic. And now, thanks to Mother Nature’s gross lack of consideration, we’ve been forced to endure the indignity of… checks notes… power outages.

Let’s be clear: this wasn’t just any storm. No, no. This was a microburst—a term I only learned because my landscaper, José, had to explain why my hydrangeas looked like they’d been through a blender. Apparently, it’s like a tornado’s bratty little cousin, throwing tantrums with wind speeds that dare to topple power poles (which, frankly, are an eyesore anyway).

But the real tragedy? The outrageous inconvenience of 124,000 customers—many of them undoubtedly very important people like myself—having to suffer through service disruptions. I mean, how are we supposed to charge our Teslas? Keep our Sub-Zero fridges running? Monitor our Ring cameras to ensure no one dares walk their dog without a permit on our sidewalks?

And let’s talk about the real victims here: the utility infrastructure. Ninety-one power poles? Fifty-two transformers? Thirty-two thousand feet of cable? That’s practically a war zone. I’d demand a town hall meeting, but let’s be honest—those are just an excuse for the wrong kind of people to complain about things like “affordable housing” and “public transit.”

In conclusion, this storm was clearly the third-worst in history because it disrupted my life for at least 20 minutes. Austin Energy better prioritize restoring power to my neighborhood first—preferably before my organic arugula wilts. And if they don’t? Well, I’ve already drafted a strongly worded email to the city manager. CC’d the HOA, of course.