Austin’s Weather: A Weeklong Sauna Session You Didn’t Sign Up For

Oh, joy. Another week of Austin’s signature ‘sweat through your linen jumpsuit before 10 AM’ weather. The forecast is in, and surprise—it’s hot. Like, ‘why did I move here from LA again?’ hot. The National Weather Service, in their infinite wisdom, has decreed that we shall all suffer under the tyranny of the sun, with highs only in the upper 90s. How generous.

But don’t worry, folks, because there’s a whopping 20% chance of rain later in the week. That’s right—a daring one-in-five shot that the sky might consider spitting on us like a lukewarm water bottle from a Coachella porta-potty. Truly, we are blessed.

And let’s not forget the pièce de résistance: Friday is the summer solstice, the longest day of the year. Because nothing says ‘celebrate astronomical summer’ like questioning all your life choices while your eyeliner melts into your eyeballs. The universe is giving us more sunlight, which, in Austin, just means more time to marinate in our own regret.

Here’s the breakdown of this week’s ‘why did I think Texas was a good idea?’ forecast:

• Tuesday: 97 degrees, but it’ll feel like 105 because humidity is a sadist.
• Wednesday: Another thrilling round of ‘guess which part of my body will chafe first.’
• Thursday & Friday: A daring 20% chance of rain, because the weather gods enjoy teasing us.
• Saturday: Partly sunny, which is just code for ‘still miserable, but with clouds for moral support.’

So grab your overpriced hydroflask, Austin. It’s gonna be a long, sticky week of pretending we’re fine while secretly Googling ‘how to move to Canada.’