Austin’s Weather: A Tragic Tale of Sweat, False Hope, and 20% Chance of Disappointment

Oh, joy. Another week of Austin’s iconic weather—which, for those of you who haven’t had the pleasure, is basically like standing in front of a hair dryer while someone throws a wet towel at your face. The National Weather Service, in their infinite wisdom, has decreed that we shall all suffer under the tyranny of the upper 90s, with a generous 20% chance of rain later in the week. How thrilling. I’m sure that will totally make up for the fact that my perfectly curated boho-chic aesthetic is melting off my body like a sad, overpriced candle.

Let’s break it down, shall we? Tuesday: A balmy 97 degrees, because why not? The heat index will only make it feel like 105, which is basically nature’s way of saying, 'Stay inside, you delicate coastal transplant.' Wednesday: More sun, because variety is overrated. Thursday and Friday: A whopping 20% chance of rain, which in Austin terms means you might get three drops on your windshield before the sun laughs and evaporates them. And then there’s Saturday, where the weather gods tease us with 'partly sunny' skies, as if that’s some kind of consolation prize for enduring this sweaty purgatory.

But hey, at least Friday is the summer solstice! The longest day of the year—because apparently, the universe decided we hadn’t suffered enough. More sunlight means more time to question my life choices, like moving to a city where 'dry heat' is a myth peddled by locals who’ve clearly never experienced the luxury of a Santa Ana breeze.

So, to recap: hydrate (or perish), seek AC (or perish), and maybe, just maybe, pray for that 20% chance of rain to actually do something. Or, you know, move back to L.A. where the weather has the decency to be predictable and the tacos are actually haute. Your call, Austin.