Buc-ee’s Invasion: A Beaver-Led Assault on Suburban Decency

In a shocking turn of events that has sent ripples through the sanctified halls of Westlake’s HOA meetings, Buc-ee’s—the beaver-branded temple of gas station gluttony—has announced plans to further its unholy conquest of America. As a mother of three and self-appointed guardian of suburban purity, I must ask: when will the madness end?

First, they came for our highways with their ‘clean restrooms’ (a clear ploy to lull us into complacency). Then, they seduced our children with ‘BBQ sandwiches’ (which, I assure you, are not organic, gluten-free, or locally sourced). Now, they’re planting their flag in San Marcos and Boerne, two towns that were perfectly content with their quaint, overpriced coffee shops and artisanal soap stores.

Let’s not mince words: Buc-ee’s is a Trojan horse of capitalism, disguised as a ‘family travel center.’ Have you seen the size of these places? 75,000 square feet? That’s larger than my entire neighborhood’s combined walk-in closets! And don’t even get me started on the ‘merchandise.’ Since when did gas stations need their own clothing line? Are we supposed to believe that a T-shirt with a cartoon beaver is ‘fashion’?

But the real outrage? The audacity to expand beyond Texas. Nine more states? Next thing you know, they’ll be building a Buc-ee’s in the middle of our gated community, peddling their ‘famous beef jerky’ to our impressionable youth. I’ve already drafted an email chain to my fellow Concerned Parents™—this cannot stand.

In conclusion, I urge you all to boycott these behemoths of beaver-branded excess. Stick to your organic farmers' markets, where the only jerky sold is the kind made from kale. And if you must stop for gas, do so at a respectable, underlit station where the restrooms are appropriately terrifying. That’s the real American way.