"No Kings, No Problem: APD Proves Once Again That Protests Are Just an Excuse to Play Cops & Robbers"

Ah, another day, another protest where the Austin Police Department somehow manages to turn a peaceful gathering into a three-ring circus of bruised knees, laser pointers, and the ever-popular "pepperball surprise." Truly, nothing says "keeping the peace" like discharging projectiles at people who dared to throw… objects. What kind of objects? Who knows! Could’ve been a water bottle, could’ve been a manifesto written in glitter. The world may never know, because APD’s official statement is about as detailed as a middle schooler’s book report.

Let’s break down the injuries, shall we? One cop hurt his knee—probably while attempting the world’s most aggressive squat to cuff someone who was just standing there. Another got a laser pointer to the eye, which, admittedly, is rude, but also kind of hilarious if you imagine the officer dramatically clutching their face like a villain in a cartoon. And the third? A hand injury. From making an arrest. Did they high-five the suspect too hard? We may never get answers.

Meanwhile, three brave souls were arrested for the heinous crime of… obstructing a highway. The horror! The audacity! Next thing you know, people will be jaywalking or—gasp—loitering. The real kicker? One of them was charged with evading arrest, which, in protest terms, usually translates to "walking away while cops yell confusing instructions."

And let’s not forget the pièce de résistance: APD’s Chief Lisa Davis, who somehow managed to spin this into a feel-good story about "professionalism" and "dialogue policing." Ah yes, nothing says "open conversation" like pepperballs and takedowns. But hey, at least they wore light blue vests! Nothing disarms a crowd like fashion-forward riot gear.

So, to recap: 20,000 people showed up to say "No Kings," three got arrested for existing too loudly, and APD is patting themselves on the back for not setting anything on fire. Progress, baby. Progress.