Paying $50 to Swim in Gentrification: A Satirical Tour of Austin’s ‘Best’ Hotel Pools

Ah, yes—nothing screams "authentic Austin" like paying $50 to float in a chlorinated puddle while some finance bro from California splashes his $18 artisanal margarita into your eyes. The city’s hotel pools are now the latest battleground in the war against actual culture, where the only thing deeper than the water is the irony of calling a kidney-shaped concrete hole "funky" because it was built before your grandparents were born. Let’s dive in, shall we?

First up, the Austin Motel, where for the low, low price of half a day’s wages, you too can experience the thrill of swimming in a pool shaped like an organ that filters toxins. Truly poetic. And don’t worry—the $50 weekend pass ensures you’ll be rubbing elbows with influencers who think "vintage" is a filter, not a lifestyle.

Then there’s the Commodore Perry Estate, where the pool is so exclusive, you have to mortgage your soul just to dip a toe in. No day passes here, folks—this is a White Lotus fantasy for people who’ve never had to worry about rent. The matching yellow umbrellas? A subtle nod to the golden handcuffs of capitalism.

Over at The Downright Austin, you can enjoy "submarine views" of the pool from their sunken dining room. Because nothing says relaxation like eating a $25 avocado toast while feeling like you’re in a poorly funded maritime museum.

The Fairmont Austin offers "sophisticated escape" from downtown bustle, which is corporate-speak for "we charge you $30 to ignore the homeless crisis happening literally below you." But hey, at least the Fulton Lobby Bar serves a $17 beer to help you forget your moral compass.

Hotel Magdalena tries to channel Barton Springs, but let’s be real—Barton Springs doesn’t cost $40 to enter, and it’s not surrounded by people who think "bohemian" means buying a $200 linen shirt. The trees are nice, though, assuming they haven’t been uprooted for another condo development.

Hotel Van Zandt wins the award for Most Pretentious Gimmick with its underwater playlist. Because what’s more Austin than paying $20 to discover that, yes, even submerged, you can’t escape a Spotify algorithm?

The LINE Austin boasts an infinity pool with "one of the best vistas in town." Translation: you can stare at Lady Bird Lake and pretend you’re not part of the problem as another punk house gets bulldozed for a high-rise.

Finally, The Otis Hotel offers "academic-chic" vibes, which apparently means record players in the rooms and a rooftop pool for people who miss the study abroad semester they never took. At least the burgers at Burger Bar are good—if you can afford them after dropping $30 on a pool pass.

So there you have it, folks. Austin’s hotel pools: where you can pay to swim in the illusion of authenticity while the city’s soul gets drained faster than a neglected filter. Dive in—the gentrification’s fine.