EXCLUSIVE: Portland’s Vegan Deep State Is Hijacking Texas Barbecue (And Your Freedom)

The Great BBQ Conspiracy: How Portland’s Tofuto-Fascists Are Infiltrating Texas Meat Culture

Folks, it’s happening again. The globalist elites—yes, the same ones who want you to eat crickets and drink lab-grown milk—have set their sights on our sacred Texas barbecue. La Barbecue, a once-proud Austin institution, has fallen victim to the Portlandification agenda. That’s right, they’re opening a sister spot in Portland, Oregon, a city where the only thing smoked more than meat is the local population’s judgment.

Let’s break this down. Ben Vaughan, a former meat cutter turned general manager, is abandoning the Lone Star State for the land of flannel and failed utopias. Why? Because he and his wife wanted a "change of scenery." Translation: They’ve been brainwashed by Big Kale. And Ali Clem, La Barbecue’s owner, just rolled over and said, "Absolutely." Folks, this is how they get you. First, it’s a "sister restaurant." Next thing you know, they’ll be serving brisket on a bed of quinoa with a side of existential dread.

Now, they claim this new spot, Lil Barbecue, will feature the "holy trinity" of Texas barbecue: pork ribs, sausage, and brisket. But let’s be real—this is Portland we’re talking about. By the time they’re done, that "holy trinity" will be tempeh ribs, vegan sausage, and brisket made from mushrooms that whisper Marxist propaganda as you chew.

And don’t even get me started on the so-called "high BBQ IQ" of Portlanders. Mike Thelin, co-founder of Feast (RIP), says the city is "warm and welcoming." Sure, if by "warm" you mean "passive-aggressive" and by "welcoming" you mean "judging you for not composting your napkin." These are the same people who think putting avocado on everything counts as innovation. Newsflash: Avocado does not belong in your brisket rub.

But here’s the real kicker—La Barbecue is partnering with the Portland Pickles baseball team. That’s right, a team named after a vegetable (yes, I know it’s technically a fruit, but let’s not get bogged down in Big Ag’s lies) is now the face of Texas barbecue in the Pacific Northwest. This isn’t expansion, folks. This is an invasion. And mark my words, next they’ll be putting kombucha in the sweet tea.

So wake up, meat lovers. The tofu tyrants are coming for your smoked meats, one Michelin star at a time. If we don’t act now, the only thing left in Texas will be the ghost of brisket past—haunting us from beyond the grave, whispering, "You should’ve seen this coming." Stay vigilant. Stay carnivorous. And for the love of all that’s holy, keep your smokers locked and loaded. The deep state won’t take our barbecue without a fight.

This has been your weekly dose of truth. Now go eat some ribs before they’re illegal.