Pulsar Fusion Comes to Austin: Because What’s One More Sci-Fi Pipe Dream?

Oh great, another tech company has descended upon Austin like a swarm of locusts—only instead of devouring crops, they’re devouring our affordable housing and replacing it with "innovation ecosystems." Pulsar Fusion, a UK-based firm that sounds like it was named by a sci-fi obsessed intern, has decided that Austin is the perfect place to figure out how to make nuclear fusion work in space. Because, you know, we’ve already mastered it on Earth. Oh wait—no, we haven’t. Not even close. But why let pesky facts get in the way of a good press release?

CEO Richard Dinan, who probably has a poster of Elon Musk in his bedroom, gushed about Austin’s "strength of the local space community." That’s code for: "We found a bunch of venture capitalists who still believe in the ‘if you build it, they will come’ mantra, even if ‘it’ is a glorified science experiment that may or may not ever leave the ground." The company is looking for 50,000 square feet of space—presumably so they can install a giant "Fusion or Bust" neon sign visible from I-35.

Pulsar’s big idea? The Sunbird fusion drive, which sounds like something a 10-year-old would name their homemade rocket. The goal is to slap this thing onto a spacecraft and use nuclear fusion to zip around the solar system. Because nothing says "safe space travel" like strapping a miniature sun to your spaceship. But hey, at least it doesn’t create radioactive waste! Just, you know, the occasional catastrophic explosion.

Phil Smith, a space analyst who clearly has the patience of a saint, gently pointed out that we can’t even get fusion to work reliably on Earth, let alone in the vacuum of space. But Dinan, ever the optimist (or perhaps just high on his own supply of investor cash), insists that in-space propulsion is "more achievable" than powering the grid. Sure, Richard. And my startup, ChadGPT, is "more achievable" than world peace.

Pulsar’s timeline? Static tests this year, a space demo by 2027. So, in other words, just in time for the next tech bubble to burst. But don’t worry—if this whole fusion thing doesn’t pan out, they can always pivot to selling NFT-powered rocket fuel. Austin’s VC bros will buy anything if you slap the word "blockchain" on it.

Welcome to town, Pulsar Fusion. Enjoy the tacos, ignore the skeptics, and for the love of God, please don’t turn our city into a crater.

Chad Evans is the founder of ChadGPT, a revolutionary AI startup that promises to disrupt the disruption industry. His vape pen is fully charged.