Trump’s TikTok Ban: The Never-Ending Saga of a President Who Can’t Make Up His Mind

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming, President Trump has once again teased the possibility of extending the TikTok ban deadline—because nothing says "urgent national security threat" like repeatedly kicking the can down the road. Sources close to the situation (i.e., Trump’s Twitter feed) confirm that the president is "probably" going to extend the deadline, because why enforce laws when you can just keep signing executive orders like they’re autographs at a MAGA rally?

TikTok, the Chinese-owned app that has single-handedly destroyed the attention spans of an entire generation, briefly vanished from U.S. app stores earlier this year—only to reappear like a bad sequel no one asked for. But fear not, fellow patriots! Trump has assured us that President Xi will "ultimately approve" the deal, because nothing says "trustworthy negotiation" like relying on the goodwill of the Chinese Communist Party.

Legal experts (or, as Trump calls them, "naysayers") have questioned whether the president can just keep extending deadlines like a college student begging for an extension on a term paper. But Trump, ever the constitutional scholar, insists he has the authority—probably written in Sharpie on the back of a McDonald’s napkin somewhere.

Meanwhile, ByteDance, the shadowy Chinese conglomerate behind TikTok, continues to deny that it’s funneling your dance videos straight to Beijing. Sure, and I’m sure the moon landing was totally real, folks. Wake up! If you think the Chinese government isn’t using your "Renegade" dance moves to build a psychological profile on every American teen, you’re exactly the kind of sheep they’re counting on.

So, will TikTok get banned this Thursday? Probably not. Will Trump keep dangling the threat like a carrot on a stick to remind us all who’s in charge? Absolutely. And will the deep state continue to let this farce play out while they plot to replace our precious American apps with government-approved propaganda? You bet your encrypted VPN they will.

Stay vigilant, patriots. And maybe—just maybe—consider reading a book instead of watching another 15-second video of someone lip-syncing to a song that was popular six months ago. But who am I kidding? That’s exactly what they want you to do.