"Evict the Eight-Legged Squatters: A Westlake Mom’s Crusade Against Doorbell Tarantulas"

As a proud Westlake mother and self-appointed guardian of suburban sanctity, I must address the latest horror to plague our beloved Central Texas: tarantulas. Yes, you read that correctly. Not just any spiders—Texas-sized tarantulas, creeping across doorbell cameras like they’re auditioning for a reboot of Arachnophobia. Steiner Ranch resident Jamie York Pillans had the misfortune of discovering one such eight-legged menace on her Ring camera, and frankly, I’m appalled. Not at the spider—no, no—but at the sheer audacity of nature to intrude upon our gated communities without so much as a courtesy email to the HOA.

Let’s be clear: this is not the kind of wildlife we signed up for when we moved here. We were promised deer, the occasional raccoon rummaging through trash cans (adorable, really), and maybe—maybe—a coyote howling in the distance for ambiance. But tarantulas? Absolutely not. These creatures are the HOA violators of the animal kingdom, skulking around without permits, shedding their creepy little hairs everywhere like they own the place. And don’t even get me started on their so-called "mating season." Must they be so public about it?

Of course, the so-called experts will tell you tarantulas are harmless, just "observing from a distance" and "avoiding handling." But I ask you: what about my property values? What about the psychological trauma inflicted upon my children, who’ve already endured enough hardship navigating the Pflugerville ISD’s radical new curriculum on checks notes photosynthesis? And let’s not forget the real victims here: the Ring cameras themselves. These devices were designed to catch porch pirates, not serve as a stage for some arachnid’s avant-garde performance art.

So here’s my proposal: a neighborhood-wide tarantula task force. Armed with designer bug spray and a strongly worded petition, we will reclaim our doorsteps from these hairy interlopers. Because if there’s one thing we Westlake moms excel at, it’s organizing against perceived threats—no matter how small, fuzzy, or biologically harmless they may be.

And to any tarantulas reading this (you never know): consider this your eviction notice. The HOA meeting is next Tuesday. Bring a lawyer.

—Heather Worthington, Defender of Doorbells and Suburban Decorum