Cops Deploy Weaponized Chili Flakes in Austin Protest, Because Subtlety is Dead

In a stunning display of bureaucratic efficiency, the Department of Public Safety managed to arrest a whopping nine whole people at the 'No Kings' protest in Austin—because nothing says 'freedom' like pepper-spraying citizens for the crime of checks notes walking on a road with perfectly good sidewalks. Among the usual suspects (graffiti artists, weed enthusiasts, and people who just really hate cops), we had the standout performance of Brendan William Talbert, who apparently thought felony assault of a peace officer was just another way to express his constitutional right to assemble. Bold move, Brendan. Let’s see how that plays out in court.

Meanwhile, DPS proudly announced their use of 'PAVA powder,' which, for those not fluent in cop-speak, translates to 'weaponized chili flakes.' Because nothing maintains order like turning downtown Austin into a poorly seasoned taco. And let’s not forget the three APD officers who were 'injured'—though details are suspiciously absent. Did they stub their toes on a protest sign? Sprain an ankle chasing someone with a 'Abolish the Police' banner? The world may never know.

But fear not, citizens! Texas remains a 'law-and-order state,' which, as we all know, means arresting people for existing while poor or brown, while actual threats to democracy (like, say, military parades celebrating authoritarian cosplay) get a full police escort. Stay vigilant, comrades. The only thing more dangerous than a protestor with a spray can is a cop with a badge and a grudge.