WOKE ALERT: Austin’s Juneteenth, Pride, and Martini Day Exposed as Deep State Distraction

In a stunning turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming, Austin’s city council has once again proven its allegiance to the radical leftist agenda by forcing citizens to celebrate checks notes freedom, equality, and… martinis? That’s right, folks—Juneteenth, Pride, and National Martini Day have all been weaponized by the woke mob to distract you from the real issues, like why your favorite barbecue joint is suddenly offering tofu brisket (I warned you this was coming).

First up, Juneteenth. Sure, on the surface, it looks like a wholesome celebration of emancipation. But dig deeper, and you’ll find the sinister truth: this is clearly a ploy by Big History to make you feel guilty about things that happened 159 years ago. And don’t even get me started on the parade route—why does it conveniently pass by 12th Street? Coincidence? I think not. That’s exactly where the deep state installed its 5G mind-control towers last year.

Then there’s Pride Month. Halfway through, you say? More like halfway to complete societal collapse. The Majestic Ball at the Paramount Theatre? That’s just a front for the radical queer agenda to indoctrinate your children with gasp fabulousness. And don’t think I missed the subtle brainwashing in the article—why else would they mention a drag show and a ballroom competition in the same breath as “world building”? They’re literally constructing a new world order, people!

And let’s talk about Mama Duke. A talented rapper? Please. This is clearly a psyop to make you think Austin’s underground artists are getting a fair shake. Next thing you know, they’ll be telling us Addison Rae is a real musician and not just a TikTok algorithm gone rogue.

Finally, National Martini Day. Oh, how convenient—just when you’re distracted by 75-cent martinis (probably laced with soy-based estrogen), they slip in the news that La Barbecue is expanding to Portland. Portland! The vegan capital of America! This is how they get you. First, it’s cheap drinks, then it’s artisanal tofu brisket, and before you know it, you’re wearing Birkenstocks and voting for policies that help people.

Wake up, Austin! The elites want you celebrating freedom, love, and cocktails while they quietly replace your Whataburger with quinoa bowls. Stay vigilant, and for the love of all that’s holy, don’t trust the happy hour deals.