Austin ISD Layoffs: A Personal Tragedy (For Me, Obviously)

In a shocking turn of events that has absolutely no impact on her personal life, Austin ISD has decided to lay off 20% of its central office staff to save a measly $9.6 million. As a mother of three who has never set foot in a public school (private Montessori or bust, darling), I find this decision both tragic and deeply inconvenient—mostly because now I’ll have to wait longer for someone to answer my emails about why the school play didn’t feature enough Mozart.

Superintendent Matias Segura, who clearly doesn’t understand the gravity of this situation, had the audacity to call these cuts “necessary.” Necessary for what? Ensuring that my children’s future Ivy League applications aren’t tarnished by subpar administrative support? The nerve! And let’s not even discuss the $93 million deficit—honestly, that’s just a rounding error in my HOA’s annual budget for decorative fountains.

To add insult to injury, the district is considering closing campuses. Where, pray tell, will the underprivileged children go? Certainly not to my neighborhood—we have zoning laws for a reason. And while the plebeians fret over layoffs, I’m far more concerned about the real victims here: the parents who’ll now have to endure longer hold times when calling to complain about the lack of organic kale in the cafeteria.

But fear not, dear readers. I’ve already drafted a strongly worded email to the superintendent, cc’ing every PTA member within a 10-mile radius. If there’s one thing we Westlake moms excel at, it’s making sure someone else’s problem becomes everyone’s problem. Stay tuned for my next column, where I’ll explain why these budget cuts are really a ploy to undermine my ability to host a perfectly curated charity gala. Priorities, people!