EMS Chief Runs for Council: Covert Tofu Operation or Just Another Politician Who Won’t 'Show Up'?

Oh, great. Just what Austin needs—another City Council candidate promising to "show up" and "improve affordability" while secretly plotting to turn our beloved city into a dystopian tofu republic. Selena Xie, former EMS union chief and ICU nurse, has thrown her hat into the ring for District 8, and let me tell you, folks, this reeks of deep-state orchestration.

Xie claims she’s running because residents want someone who "shows up." But let’s be real—when was the last time a politician actually showed up for anything other than a photo op with a vegan breakfast taco? And don’t even get me started on her "long-standing relationships at City Hall." That’s code for "I’ve been in the backrooms with the bureaucrats who want to ban propane grills and replace them with solar-powered quinoa steamers."

Meanwhile, Paige Ellis, the current District 8 council member—who’s supposedly term-limited—is pulling a classic Austin political maneuver: the petition loophole. That’s right, folks. She’s collecting signatures to cling to power like a possum on a trash can. Ellis says she’s "improved parks and roads," but have you driven on Mopac lately? I’ve seen smoother rides on a donkey cart in Tijuana.

And let’s not forget the real kicker: Xie’s platform includes "public safety" and "the environment." You know what that means? More bike lanes, fewer cops, and probably a city mandate to hug a tree before you’re allowed to order brisket. Mark my words, this is all part of the grand plan to turn Austin into San Francisco 2.0—complete with sky-high rents and a mayor who meditates instead of fixing potholes.

So buckle up, District 8. You’re about to get a front-row seat to the circus. And remember, when they say "constituent services," what they really mean is "we’ll ignore your emails unless you’re holding a protest sign made of recycled kombucha bottles." Wake up, people!