H-E-B’s Adorable Robot Overlords Are Here to Judge Your Ice Cream Choices

In a stunning display of innovation that absolutely no one asked for, H-E-B has unleashed an army of "friendly-faced" delivery robots onto the streets of Austin. These adorable little dystopian couriers, which look like Wall-E’s less charismatic cousins, are now zipping around Mueller at a blistering 3-5 mph—because nothing says "cutting-edge technology" like something slower than a senior citizen on a mobility scooter.

Equipped with "heart eyes" and the ability to play Pong (because priorities), these bots are here to deliver your groceries with all the warmth and charm of a vending machine. Need six 16.5-inch pizzas and five 1.5-liter bottles of soda? Fear not, the robot’s got you covered—assuming you live within a one-mile radius and don’t mind waiting for a machine that moves at the speed of a sedated sloth.

Residents of Mueller, a neighborhood already saturated with tech bros and overpriced avocado toast, are reportedly thrilled. "It’s been super convenient," said one local, presumably while sipping a $12 cold brew. "I love that it doesn’t judge me for ordering ice cream in winter." Because, let’s be honest, the real tragedy here isn’t climate change or rising rent—it’s the shame of being side-eyed by a human delivery driver for your questionable snack choices.

Meanwhile, Avride, the Austin-based startup behind these rolling toasters, assures us their robots can handle rain and snow. Great. Now we just need them to navigate around the inevitable horde of drunk techies stumbling out of bars on Rainey Street.

H-E-B, ever the pioneer, insists this is just a "pilot program." But let’s be real—this is the first step toward a future where robots deliver your groceries, AI writes your emails, and humans are left wondering why they even bother leaving the house.

So, congratulations, Austin. Your streets are now officially more futuristic than your public transportation system. Maybe next, we’ll get robots to fix the potholes. Or, you know, just teach them to play Fortnite. Priorities.

In the meantime, if you see a small, triangle-eyed toaster rolling down the sidewalk, don’t panic. It’s not Skynet. It’s just here to drop off your organic kale and artisanal kombucha. Resistance is futile.

And remember: if the robots ever unionize, we’re all doomed.

Chad Evans is a freelance satirist and professional disruptor. His startup, BroBot, is currently seeking Series A funding for an AI that vapes and talks about crypto.