Juneteenth Parade Road Closures: A Personal Attack on Heather Worthington’s Schedule

Oh, joy. Another day where the city of Austin decides to inconvenience its most important citizens—people like me, who simply want to drive their luxury SUVs unimpeded through historically significant neighborhoods—for the sake of some "celebration." This time, it’s the Juneteenth parade, which, according to city officials, will shut down entire streets for hours. Streets that I, Heather Worthington, might need to use for my weekly Pilates class or my urgent trip to Whole Foods for organic arugula.

Let’s break this down, shall we? MLK Jr. Boulevard—closed. Chicon Street—closed. Rosewood Avenue—closed. Do these people not realize that some of us have lives? Important lives, filled with charity luncheons and neighborhood watch meetings where we discuss the real issues, like whether the new food truck on the corner is lowering our property values.

And don’t even get me started on the "local traffic only" nonsense. What, exactly, qualifies as "local"? If I’m from Westlake but need to cut through East Austin to avoid being late to my Botox appointment, does that count? Unclear. The city really needs to consider the needs of its actual stakeholders—people like me, who pay taxes and host impeccably themed block parties.

But no, instead, we’re expected to just… adjust. To reroute. To celebrate something that, frankly, could’ve been commemorated in a nice, quiet museum exhibit instead of disrupting my carefully curated schedule.

And the audacity of closing roads from 6 a.m. to 1 p.m.? That’s prime time for my morning smoothie run. And then again from 6 p.m. to 10 p.m.? That’s when I like to take my evening stroll (with my designer dog, Biscuit) and judge my neighbors’ landscaping choices.

I suppose I’ll have to endure this inconvenience like the martyr I am. But mark my words, City of Austin—this will be noted in my next strongly worded email to the mayor. And possibly in my annual Christmas newsletter.