Lakeway’s Landscaping Crackdown: A Tragedy in Three Acts (and Several Combustible Shrubs)

In a shocking turn of events that has sent shockwaves through the meticulously manicured lawns of Lakeway, city officials have dared to suggest that residents might need to—gasp—modify their landscaping to prevent their McMansions from spontaneously combusting. The audacity!

At a recent City Council meeting, where attendees were more concerned about whether the refreshments were gluten-free than the actual agenda, Senior City Planner Charlie Sullivan had the nerve to imply that flammable shrubbery might be a bad thing. "About 90% of house fires are caused by flying embers," Sullivan said, as if anyone in Lakeway has ever let facts interfere with their aesthetic preferences.

The proposed rules would require fire-resistant plants within five feet of structures, ban flammable lawn gnomes (RIP, Flamingo Fred), and—most egregiously—regulate the height of brush piles. That’s right, folks. The city is coming for your carefully curated "rustic" debris.

But the real tragedy? The crackdown on crumb rubber mulch. How are residents supposed to maintain that "newly paved playground" look if they can’t dump tire remnants everywhere? And don’t even get me started on the artificial turf expansion. Next, they’ll be telling us our imported Italian marble fountains are a fire hazard.

Sullivan had the gall to suggest "home hardening" as a solution, which, frankly, sounds like something one does after a particularly aggressive HOA meeting. But no, it’s just about not letting your house turn into a tinderbox. Boring.

In conclusion, if these rules pass, Lakeway’s biggest threat won’t be wildfires—it’ll be the collective meltdown of residents forced to choose between hydrangeas and not burning to death. Priorities, people. Priorities.

Heather Worthington is currently drafting a strongly worded email to the city manager about the "visual pollution" of fire-resistant plants.