Leander Parents Outraged Over School Closures: 'But What About Our Property Values?'

Oh, the horror! The absolute travesty of it all! The Leander school district—yes, that Leander, the one where property values are practically a competitive sport—has the audacity to consider closing three whole elementary schools. And not just any schools, mind you, but the ones in neighborhoods where parents have spent years perfecting their "Proud Parent of an Honor Roll Student" bumper stickers.

Let’s be real: this isn’t about "budget deficits" or "declining enrollment." This is a direct attack on the sanctity of suburban life. Where will parents gather to passive-aggressively compare their children’s extracurricular achievements if not in the drop-off line at Steiner Ranch Elementary? How will the neighborhood maintain its carefully curated aesthetic if Faubion Elementary is repurposed for something as vulgar as an alternative high school? The horror! The humanity!

And don’t even get me started on the district’s other ideas. Turning Laura Bush Elementary into a fifth- and sixth-grade center? Preposterous. Everyone knows fifth graders belong in elementary school, where they can still be coddled with juice boxes and recess. Sixth graders? They’re practically feral. You can’t just mix them with the little ones—that’s how you end up with middle schoolers who think they’re too cool for sidewalk chalk.

But the real kicker? The district had the nerve to ignore a perfectly good plan from their own long-range planning committee. Why? Because it didn’t involve enough chaos, apparently. Instead, they’re pushing forward with two brand-new elementary schools in the northern part of the district, where the population is growing faster than my neighbor’s obsession with her lawn. Never mind that the southern part of the district is clearly in crisis. Who cares about aging neighborhoods and skyrocketing home prices when there’s shiny new construction to be done?

And let’s talk about the parents. Oh, the parents. Rachel Lilla, a Steiner Ranch mom, raises the critical question: If we can’t fill an elementary school with K-5 students, how on earth will we fill it with pre-K kids? The answer is simple: we won’t. We’ll just repurpose it as a luxury doggy daycare for the neighborhood’s increasingly pampered golden retrievers. Problem solved.

Meanwhile, Kaycee Parker is deeply concerned about the appraised value of her home. Because nothing says "community" like worrying more about your property value than the actual education of children. Maybe the district should just start open enrollment and let kids from other parts of the district attend these schools. But let’s be honest—that would require acknowledging that not all children come from gated communities, and we can’t have that.

In the end, this isn’t about schools. It’s about maintaining the delicate ecosystem of suburban superiority. So grab your pitchforks, Leander parents. The school board meetings are about to get spicy.