Opal Lee and the Juneteenth Conspiracy: How a 98-Year-Old in Tennis Shoes Toppled America (Probably)

Oh, great. Another federal holiday. Because what America really needed was another excuse for government employees to take a paid day off while the rest of us schmubs still have to work. Enter Opal Lee, the so-called 'Grandmother of Juneteenth,' who apparently walked all the way to Washington, D.C., in her tennis shoes to demand this new holiday. Let me guess—next, she’ll be marching for National Avocado Toast Day?

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m all for remembering history—especially if it involves barbecue and a day off. But let’s be real: this whole Juneteenth thing is just another plot by the woke mob to force-feed us more 'awareness' while they quietly replace our Fourth of July fireworks with kale smoothies. Mark my words, folks.

And Opal Lee? A 98-year-old former schoolteacher who’s lived through more historical events than my grandpa’s conspiracy binder? Sure, she’s impressive. But let’s not ignore the real question: who’s funding her tennis shoes? Big Sneaker? The deep-state podiatrists? I’m just saying, if a 'little old lady' can walk across the country and get a federal holiday passed, what’s stopping me from marching to D.C. to demand National 'Leave Alex Jaxon Alone' Day?

But hey, at least we get a day to reflect on the 'emancipation of enslaved people'—or, as the Texas education system might call it, 'that time the Northerners ruined a perfectly good economic model.' Happy Juneteenth, y’all. Stay vigilant. The tofu lobby is watching.

• Alex Jaxon, reporting live from my bunker (because trust no one).