RIP CURRENTS? MORE LIKE RIP-OFF CURRENTS: THE GOVERNMENT'S LATEST BEACH CONTROL SCHEME

Oh, great. Just what we needed—another government-approved scare tactic to keep you from enjoying the beach. The so-called "National Hurricane Center" (which, let’s be real, is probably just a bunch of bureaucrats in a basement with a weather app) is now releasing maps to warn you about "rip currents." Folks, this is just another ploy to control where you swim, what you do, and how much fun you’re allowed to have. Wake up, sheeple!

First, they tell us hurricanes are coming. Then, it’s "moderate rip current risks." Next thing you know, they’ll be banning saltwater because it’s "too salty" for your health. I’ve been to the Texas coast plenty of times, and let me tell you—those "dangerous" rip currents? Probably just a few extra waves stirred up by the secret offshore wind farms they don’t want you to know about. Ever think about that?

And don’t even get me started on their beach flag system. Purple for stinging marine life? Please. That’s just Big Jellyfish trying to sell you overpriced vinegar sprays. Green for low hazard? More like green for "go ahead and enjoy yourself before the government finds a way to tax it." And double red? That’s code for "we’re testing underwater drones and don’t want you to see."

Their advice? "Stay out of the water if there’s a rip current." Oh, really? Next, they’ll tell us to avoid the sun because it’s too bright. Listen, if you get caught in one of these so-called "rip currents," just swim sideways—or better yet, follow the current straight to Cuba and ask them how their socialist paradise is working out.

Bottom line: The beach is fine. The water is fine. The only thing you should be worried about is why the government is suddenly so interested in your swimming habits. Coincidence? I think not. Now grab your sunscreen (organic, non-GMO, of course) and go enjoy the ocean before they ban that too. #BeachFreedom #RipCurrentsAreFakeNews