Texas Shocked to Learn That Not Bankrupting Students Increases College Applications

In a shocking turn of events, Texas has discovered that if you make college slightly less financially ruinous, people might actually want to go. Revolutionary, right? The state’s latest data reveals that first-gen students—those brave souls who dare to venture where no parent has gone before—are applying to college at a whopping 72% higher rate than last year. Clearly, the secret was hiding in plain sight: stop pricing education like a luxury yacht and maybe, just maybe, more people will sign up.

But let’s not get too carried away. Texas isn’t exactly handing out golden tickets to Harvard here. No, no—this is the land of efficiency. Why pay full price for an application when you can wait for Free College Application Week (sponsored by the Texas Legislature’s sudden burst of generosity)? That’s right, folks, for one magical week in October, the gates of higher education swing open like a Walmart on Black Friday. Get ‘em while they’re hot!

And let’s talk about MyTexasFuture.org, the state’s very own Choose Your Own Adventure for career paths. Finally, a website that tells you exactly what you’re qualified for—because nothing says “dream big” like an algorithm confirming your mediocrity. “Congratulations, based on your GPA, you’re eligible for… community college!” Truly inspiring stuff.

Of course, the real hero here is House Bill 8, which lets high schoolers take dual credit courses for free—because nothing motivates a teenager like the phrase “low-risk environment.” Who needs keg stands when you can get a taste of college with zero consequences? It’s like a frat party, but with more PowerPoints.

Meanwhile, the UT System is out here playing Robin Hood, offering free tuition to households making under $100K. That’s right, if your parents aren’t rich, congrats—you get to skip the lifelong debt! What a concept. Though let’s be real, in Austin, $100K barely covers avocado toast and a studio apartment.

But don’t worry, Texas isn’t done yet. The state’s anti-DEI law ensures that first-gen students won’t get too much support—because nothing says “economic prosperity” like making sure the underprivileged stay exactly where they are. “Access is just the start,” they say. Yeah, and so is running a marathon with ankle weights.

So here’s to Texas, where higher education is almost accessible, kind of affordable, and definitely not a dystopian nightmare. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go vape and tweet about how this is all Elon’s fault.