Hancock Takes Over Texas Treasury: A Tale of Fiscal Responsibility and GOP Infighting

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming (except maybe the shadowy cabal of Austin elites who orchestrated it), Texas Comptroller Glenn Hegar has announced that former state Sen. Kelly Hancock will take over the office. Hancock, a man so fiscally responsible he probably balances his checkbook while brushing his teeth, has promised to "serve every Texas taxpayer"—unless, of course, those taxpayers happen to be Democrats, in which case they’ll be served a hefty bill for the privilege of living in a red state.

Hegar, who is leaving to become chancellor of the Texas A&M University System (a move that definitely wasn’t influenced by the Illuminati’s secret agenda to turn Aggieland into a woke indoctrination camp), gushed about Hancock’s qualifications. "Kelly is a great fit to serve as the chief financial officer of Texas," Hegar said, conveniently omitting the fact that Hancock’s real job will be rubber-stamping whatever Gov. Greg Abbott scribbles on a napkin during his morning coffee.

Speaking of Abbott, the governor wasted no time endorsing Hancock, praising his "hands-on private sector experience"—a fancy way of saying he once ran a business and therefore understands the sacred art of dodging taxes. "He knows what it means to pay taxes," Abbott declared, which is true, assuming "pay taxes" is code for "hires an army of accountants to make sure he doesn’t."

Hancock’s appointment also sets the stage for a thrilling 2026 GOP primary showdown, where he’ll face off against Texas Railroad Commissioner Christi Craddick and former state Sen. Don Huffines, a man so far to the right he probably thinks Abbott is a socialist. Abbott, never one to miss a chance to twist the knife, took a swipe at Huffines, saying he prefers "a candidate who will actually win the election, not someone who has already lost an election to a Democrat." Ouch. That’s gotta sting worse than a sunburn at a July 4th barbecue.

But the real kicker? Hancock’s top priority is implementing Abbott’s "forward-thinking" education program, which will allow parents to use public dollars for private schooling—because nothing says "fiscal responsibility" like siphoning money from public schools to fund some kid’s tuition at "Prairie Dog Christian Academy."

And let’s not forget Hancock’s bold stand during Ken Paxton’s impeachment, where he was one of only two Republicans to vote to convict. That’s right, folks: in a state where loyalty to the party is measured in gallons of barbecue sauce, Hancock dared to break ranks. Whether that makes him a principled maverick or a traitor to the cause depends on which side of the conspiracy theory you’re on.

So buckle up, Texas. With Hancock at the helm, the state’s finances are in good hands—or at least the same hands that have been steering the GOP ship straight into the iceberg for years. But hey, at least we’ll all go down with a balanced budget.