Juneteenth or Government Mind Control? The Shocking Truth Behind Austin's 'Celebration'

In a shocking display of what can only be described as 'historical revisionism,' Austinites gathered in what they called a 'celebration' of Juneteenth—a holiday that, according to my highly classified sources, was actually invented by Big History to sell more barbecue and fireworks. Witnesses reported seeing 'Buffalo Soldiers' marching in wool uniforms under the scorching sun, a clear sign of either extreme dedication or a government-funded heatstroke experiment.

Selton Williams, alleged 'president' of the so-called '9th Cavalry Buffalo Soldiers of Austin,' was caught on camera spouting suspiciously wholesome rhetoric about 'remembering history' and 'joy.' Folks, this is textbook deep-state programming. Why else would they hold a parade in 100-degree heat unless they were testing our resilience for future climate lockdowns?

The event, sponsored by the ominously named 'Greater East Austin Youth Association,' featured 'live music' and 'food vendors'—code words, no doubt, for subliminal messaging and mind-control tacos. Parents were seen hoisting children onto their shoulders, a known tactic to increase cellular reception for 5G brainwave scanning. And don’t even get me started on the 'fireworks show.' Since when do fireworks happen at 9 p.m.? That’s prime brainwashing hour, people!

Kirven Andrews, a self-proclaimed 'father,' was overheard saying this was a 'day of freedom.' Wake up, sheeple! If this were really about freedom, they’d let us grill without a permit. The truth? Juneteenth is just another excuse for the city council to push their tofu agenda while distracting us from the real issues—like why Austin’s traffic lights are clearly programmed by aliens. Stay vigilant, patriots. The truth is out there… probably in a secret underground bunker beneath Franklin Barbecue.