Regulators Demand Tesla Prove Robotaxis Won’t Murder People—How *Dare* They

Oh no, not another group of regulators trying to slow down the inevitable robotaxi revolution. What’s next? Asking fire departments to prove their hoses work before putting out fires? These lawmakers—bless their bureaucratic hearts—just don’t understand that innovation waits for no man, especially not some dusty old state law.

Tesla, the company that brought us cars that definitely don’t crash themselves (unless the software says so), is being asked to demonstrate compliance before unleashing its fleet of self-driving taxis onto Austin’s unsuspecting streets. The audacity! Since when did public safety get to dictate the timeline of disruption?

Let’s break down these so-called requirements like they’re a bad Yelp review:

• Comply with traffic laws? Pfft. Laws are just suggestions when you’re powered by AI.
• Recording devices? Great, now we can watch in HD as the car politely ignores a stop sign.
• Federal safety standards? Those were written by humans, and we all know humans are the real liability here.
• Minimal risk condition? If the car stops working, just call it a feature, not a bug.
• First Responder Interaction Plan? Step one: Yell ‘Elon Musk sent us!’ at the cops until they let you go.

And let’s not forget the NHTSA, sticking its nose in like a nosy neighbor asking if you’ve seen their missing cat. How do the cars handle low visibility? Uh, poorly, but that’s why we call it beta testing, baby.

Elon, in his infinite wisdom, said they’d start with just 10 robotaxis. That’s like dipping a single toe into the pool before cannonballing—except the pool is full of pedestrians and the cannonball is a two-ton metal death machine. But hey, move fast and break things, right? Unless those things are traffic laws. Then maybe slow down.

So, to the lawmakers clutching their pearls: Relax. The future is here, and it doesn’t care about your paperwork. Either get on board or get run over by a Model Y with big dreams.