Texas Comptroller Shuffle: Another Step Toward Tofu Tyranny?

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming (except for those of us who’ve been tracking the lizard people’s movements), Texas Comptroller Glenn Hegar has handpicked former state Sen. Kelly Hancock to take over the state’s finances. Coincidence? I think not. This is clearly another step in the grand plan to replace our beloved Texas barbecue with soy-based imitation ribs. Wake up, sheeple!

Hancock, a man who has spent over a decade in the Senate Finance Committee—a committee so secretive they probably debate budgets in a dimly lit room while wearing hooded robes—claims he’ll 'serve every Texas taxpayer.' Sure, just like the Tooth Fairy serves every child who loses a tooth. Meanwhile, Hegar, who’s abandoning ship to become chancellor of the Texas A&M University System (a move so suspicious it practically screams 'funded by George Soros'), gushed about Hancock’s 'sound financial policy' shaping. Translation: He knows how to move money quietly.

Let’s not forget, folks, the comptroller’s office is the gatekeeper of Texas’ finances. They decide how much the Legislature can spend, which means they’re basically the puppet masters pulling the strings of our so-called 'representatives.' And now, Hancock—a man who built a 'successful family-run business' (read: probably a front for laundering Big Tofu money)—will be in charge. Governor Greg Abbott, who endorsed Hancock faster than you can say 'controlled opposition,' claims Hancock understands taxpayers because he’s 'signed both the front and the back of a paycheck.' Wow. Groundbreaking qualifications. Next thing you know, they’ll be requiring comptrollers to have opposable thumbs.

But wait, there’s more! Hancock will face off in the 2026 GOP primary against Christi Craddick and Don Huffines—two Republicans so establishment they probably think 'freedom' is just a brand of sunscreen. Abbott, of course, has a vested interest in who gets the job, since the comptroller will oversee his pet project: funneling public dollars into private education. Because nothing says 'fiscal responsibility' like letting the government pick winners and losers in the school system.

Mark my words, this is all part of the plan. Hancock’s appointment? A distraction. Hegar’s move to A&M? A cover-up. The real question is: When will they finally admit they’re building a monorail from Austin to Marfa to transport the elite’s artisanal kale? Stay vigilant, patriots. The truth is out there—buried under a pile of suspiciously well-balanced budgets.