Tesla’s Robotaxis: The Future Is Here (If You Ignore the Human Babysitter)

In a stunning display of innovation—or what some might call "Elon’s annual promise that definitely, absolutely, for real this time, will come true"—Tesla has rolled out its long-awaited robotaxis in Austin. Sort of. If by "rolled out" you mean "invited a handful of influencers to ride in a car with a human babysitter in the front seat."

That’s right, folks. The future of transportation is here, and it looks suspiciously like the present, but with more cameras watching you. The so-called "robotaxis" are currently operating in a "geofenced" area (tech-speak for "we don’t trust these things enough to let them roam free") and are being monitored by Tesla employees who, let’s be honest, are probably just there to make sure the AI doesn’t try to unionize.

Elon Musk, the man who once promised a million robotaxis by 2020 (and then 2021, and then 2022…), has assured us that this time, it’s different. "We’re deliberately taking it slow," he said, which is Elon for "we have no idea what we’re doing, but the stock price needs a boost." The plan is to start with 10 cars, then maybe 20, then 30, and so on, until—presumably—the robots rise up and demand healthcare benefits.

Meanwhile, rival companies like Waymo are out here completing their 10 millionth paid ride while Tesla is still figuring out how to get a Model Y to stop at a red light without a human yelling at it. But hey, at least Tesla’s robotaxis come with a built-in audience: the cabin camera, which watches the safety monitor’s eyes to make sure they’re paying attention. Because nothing says "cutting-edge autonomy" like needing a human to stare at the road for you.

And let’s not forget the regulatory hurdles. Texas lawmakers, in a rare moment of bipartisan agreement, have decided that maybe, just maybe, self-driving cars should have some rules. Tesla’s response? Silence. Because when you’re disrupting the future, who has time for pesky things like "permits" or "safety plans"?

So here we are, folks. The robotaxi revolution is upon us—or at least, it will be, someday, maybe, if Elon’s tweets are to be believed. Until then, enjoy your ride in the future’s most underwhelming beta test. Just don’t forget to tip your human safety monitor.