Texas Declares Itself a Theocracy, Also Some Other Stuff Happened

In a stunning display of what can only be described as 'divine legislative intervention,' Governor Greg Abbott has officially declared Texas the first state in the union to be governed by a theocracy—sorry, I mean, 'a return to traditional values.' That’s right, folks, the Ten Commandments are now required reading in public schools, because nothing says 'education' like forcing kids to memorize ancient religious edicts next to their multiplication tables.

But wait, there’s more! In a move that has doctors and women across the state breathing a sigh of cautious relief (but only if their lives are in immediate danger), Abbott also signed a bill clarifying when physicians can perform emergency abortions. Because nothing says 'pro-life' like waiting until a woman is on death’s doorstep before allowing a medical professional to do their job. Truly, Texas is leading the charge in 'compassionate conservatism.'

Meanwhile, in a shocking twist that absolutely no one saw coming, the governor has yet to sign the bill banning THC products. That’s right, while our children are being indoctrinated with stone tablets, our veterans and libertarians are still free to enjoy their 'functional relief'—because nothing says 'small government' like telling people what they can and can’t put in their bodies, unless, of course, it’s politically inconvenient.

And let’s not forget the real hero of this legislative session: HB 229, which boldly declares that Texas only recognizes two sexes. Because in a state where we can’t even agree on how to teach history, at least we can all unite in our biological illiteracy.

So, grab your popcorn (or your hemp gummies, while they’re still legal), folks. The Texas Legislature is back in session—and by 'session,' I mean 'circus.' God help us all. Literally. It’s the law now.