Abbott’s Bold Stand: Let Them Eat Bootstraps

In a stunning display of fiscal responsibility, Governor Greg Abbott has heroically rejected a $450 million handout from the federal government—because nothing says 'Texas values' like letting hungry kids fend for themselves. The Summer EBT program, a sinister Biden-era plot to checks notes feed children, was swiftly vetoed by Abbott, who cited 'uncertainty' in federal funding. Because, as we all know, the only thing more uncertain than federal budgets is whether a child will go to bed hungry tonight.

Abbott, ever the visionary, has outmaneuvered the deep state yet again. Why accept free money when you can instead force struggling families to pull themselves up by their bootstraps—assuming they can afford bootstraps after inflation? The governor’s bold move ensures that Texas remains a beacon of self-reliance, where children learn early that life is tough and the government won’t coddle them with things like 'food.'

Meanwhile, so-called 'advocates' like Feeding Texas CEO Celia Cole are 'deeply disappointed,' claiming that 1 in 4 Texas children face food insecurity. But let’s be real—those numbers are probably inflated by illegal immigrants and lazy parents who refuse to work three jobs to afford organic quinoa. Abbott knows the truth: if kids are hungry, they should just eat the bootstraps they’re supposed to be pulling up.

And let’s not forget the real victims here: Texas taxpayers. Sure, the program was fully federally funded, but the state would’ve had to cover a measly $60 million in administrative costs over two years. That’s practically a rounding error in the budget, but why waste money on feeding kids when we could use it to build more border walls or fund another round of corporate tax cuts?

Abbott’s veto statement assures us that the Legislature can 'reconsider' the program once there’s 'clarity' about federal funding. Translation: 'Maybe we’ll feed the poor once the libs stop trying to turn our children into socialist soy boys.' Until then, Texas children can enjoy the freedom of an empty stomach—because nothing builds character like malnutrition.

So let’s all raise a glass (of organic almond milk, if you’re a coastal elite) to Governor Abbott for his unwavering commitment to fiscal conservatism. Who needs federal aid when you’ve got rugged individualism and a governor who’s not afraid to say no to hungry kids? Wake up, sheeple—this is how we own the libs.