STAAR Scores Reveal Shocking Truth: Rich Kids Do Better (And Other Obvious News)

Well, well, well, look who’s shocked—shocked, I tell you—that STAAR test scores are lower in districts where kids might be more worried about where their next meal is coming from than whether they aced their fractions quiz. Who could have possibly predicted that poverty might, just might, impact academic performance? Certainly not the Texas Education Agency, which seems to have just discovered that money buys things like tutors, quiet study spaces, and three square meals a day. Revolutionary stuff, really.

Let’s all clutch our pearls as we learn that the kids in Westlake, where the median household income could probably fund a small country, are outperforming their peers in Del Valle, where ‘economically disadvantaged’ isn’t just a bureaucratic checkbox—it’s a daily reality. But don’t worry, folks, because Gabe Grantham, Policy Advisor Extraordinaire, has cracked the code: ‘high-quality instructional materials’ and ‘clear communication with parents’ will surely bridge the gap. Because nothing solves systemic inequality like a well-worded email, am I right?

And let’s not forget the real heroes here: the school staff in underfunded districts who are somehow expected to teach algebra while also playing social worker, nutritionist, and therapist. Because nothing says ‘academic excellence’ like a teacher who hasn’t slept in three days trying to figure out how to get little Timmy a winter coat.

But hey, at least we can all rest easy knowing that the pandemic—which, in case you forgot, was five years ago—is still the go-to scapegoat for why we’ve done absolutely nothing to address these ‘historic patterns of disinvestment.’ Because why fix the problem when you can just keep pointing at it and saying, ‘Wow, that sure is a problem’?

So, parents of Westlake, rejoice! Your children’s STAAR scores are safe and sound, nestled comfortably atop the mountain of privilege you’ve built for them. And to everyone else? Well, there’s always next year’s test. Maybe by then, someone will have the bright idea to fund schools equitably. Or, you know, not.

In the meantime, if you’d like to see just how badly your district is failing (or how smugly it’s succeeding), you can check out the scores online. But be warned: the results may cause severe eye-rolling, especially if you’ve ever had the audacity to believe that all children deserve the same opportunities. Silly you.