Texas Oil Execs Revolt Against Trump’s ‘Drill, Baby, Drill’ Order—Because Capitalism, Apparently

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming, President Trump—yes, the same man who once suggested injecting bleach—has demanded that Texas oil companies "drill, baby, drill" in response to the latest geopolitical kerfuffle with Iran. But here’s the twist: Texas oil execs, those notorious tree-hugging hippies, are refusing to comply. That’s right, folks. The same industry that once worshipped at the altar of deregulation is now suddenly concerned about checks notes profitability and market stability. What’s next? Solar panels on oil rigs?

Todd Staples, president of the Texas Oil & Gas Association, delivered the most corporate non-answer possible, saying companies would only ramp up drilling if the price signals were "long term." Translation: "We’ll do it when we feel like it, Mr. President, and not a second sooner." It’s almost as if these so-called patriots care more about their shareholders than blindly following orders from a man who once tried to buy Greenland.

Meanwhile, oil executives are quietly grumbling about Trump’s tariffs—you know, the ones that made steel more expensive and cut into their profit margins. But don’t worry, they’re still "grateful" for his leadership. Grateful like a hostage is grateful for stale bread.

And let’s not forget Trump’s latest Truth Social meltdown, where he screamed in all caps about keeping oil prices down, warning companies they were "playing right into the hands of the enemy." Who is the enemy, you ask? Is it Iran? Is it the deep state? Or is it basic economics? The world may never know.

But here’s the real kicker: even after bombs dropped and tensions flared, oil prices still didn’t spike enough to justify more drilling. Analysts predict prices will keep falling, which means Texas oil barons are stuck between a rock and a hard place—or, more accurately, between an unhinged president and their own bottom line.

So, to recap: Trump wants more oil. Texas says no. Investors say no. The free market says no. But hey, at least we can all sleep soundly knowing that the man who once suggested nuking hurricanes is still in charge of energy policy. Sweet dreams, America.