Hyatt’s "Renovation": A Masterclass in Gentrification Chic

Ah, yes. Another day, another corporate monolith slapping a fresh coat of paint on its soulless fortress of gentrification. The Hyatt Regency Austin—because what this city really needed was another overpriced hotel with a "reimagined" lobby and a restaurant that somehow manages to bastardize four different cuisines in one menu. Bravo.

Let’s break it down, shall we? The hotel’s big selling point is its "prime downtown location," which is code for "we bulldozed something cool to build this." And now, they’re adding two whole new guestrooms—one of which is a "luxury suite" with a balcony. Because nothing says "Austin charm" like sipping a $28 cocktail while staring down at the unhoused population from your corporate-funded perch.

Then there’s the dining. Ripple & Roots—a name so painfully trendy it sounds like a kombucha flavor. It’s got "influences" from Native American, Old South, Latin, and Asian cuisines, which, translated from hotel-speak, means "we threw some cornbread, tacos, and soy sauce on a plate and called it fusion." And let’s not forget the Waterloo private dining room, a nod to Austin’s original name. How thoughtful. Nothing honors local history like a $200-a-plate dinner in a room named after a battle the city lost.

But wait, there’s more! The Juniper Breeze Market—because Hyatt knows you’d rather pay $12 for a "local" granola bar than walk two blocks to an actual small business. And don’t worry, the pool cabanas are now open to "locals," provided those locals are willing to drop half their rent money on a day pass.

Jeff Donahoe, the hotel’s GM, says this renovation "reinforces that we are one of the premier destinations in Austin." Premier for whom, Jeff? Tech bros on expense accounts? Bachelorette parties who think "Keep Austin Weird" means wearing cowboy boots to a rooftop bar?

Meanwhile, the rest of us are out here watching our favorite dive bars turn into condos and our rent skyrocket while Hyatt pats itself on the back for "transforming alongside our spirited home city." Spirited? Try "spirited away"—because the real Austin is disappearing faster than you can say "artisanal avocado toast."

But hey, at least they’ve got a 24-hour gym. Nothing like working off the existential dread of living in a city that sold its soul to the highest bidder.