Starbase Declares Public Roads 'Too Public,' Installs Gates to Keep Out the Poors

In a move that shocked absolutely no one, the newly minted city of Starbase—Elon Musk’s personal playground—has decided that public roads are just too public. Citing "safety concerns" (read: too many peasants gawking at their shiny rockets), the city has installed gates to keep out the unwashed masses. Because nothing says "freedom" like a private space company locking down public infrastructure.

City Manager Kent Myers, who may or may not be an actual human and not just a Musk AI bot, assured everyone that the gates are just to "regulate the flow of visitors." Translation: "We don’t want your kind here unless you’re delivering Amazon packages or here to polish a Falcon 9." Residents, first responders, and—most importantly—DoorDash drivers will get special access codes, because even in a dystopian company town, avocado toast must arrive on time.

Commissioner Jordan Buss, who also happens to be SpaceX’s safety director (because what’s a little conflict of interest among friends?), claimed residents have dealt with "folks who aren’t here for the right reasons." One such incident allegedly occurred on Memes Street—yes, that’s a real road name—where a mysterious "malicious" individual was reportedly just trying to take selfies with a Starship. The horror.

Meanwhile, legal experts are scratching their heads, wondering if blocking public roads is, you know, illegal. Cameron County DA Luis Saenz politely pointed out that Texas law frowns upon obstructing highways, but let’s be real—when has the law ever stopped Elon? The man built a flamethrower and called it "Not A Flamethrower." Gates are child’s play.

And just to add a cherry on top, Starbase also passed a zoning ordinance that may or may not allow them to yoink land from non-SpaceX property owners. Retirees Jim and Nancy Crawford, who foolishly thought they could enjoy their golden years without corporate overlords, were shocked to learn that their property rights might be vaporized faster than a Starship prototype. Nancy, a former Register of Deeds, lamented the lack of "detailed professional mapping," but come on, Nancy—this is Elon’s world. Precision is for nerds who don’t have rockets.

So, to recap: Starbase is now a gated community for rocket scientists, the public is an inconvenience, and property rights are as stable as a Starship landing. Welcome to the future, folks. At least the beach is still open—for now.