Texas Attorney General’s Office Turns Into *Real Housewives* Episode: ‘Witness Tampering’ or Just Good Networking?

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming (except for me, because I’ve been screaming about it into a microphone for years), the Texas political circus has reached new heights of absurdity. Ken Paxton’s office, already a den of intrigue rivaling a telenovela, is now embroiled in a legal free-for-all that makes Game of Thrones look like a polite tea party.

First, let’s talk about the real victims here: the lawyers. Yes, the lawyers. These poor, misunderstood souls are being accused of everything from witness tampering to sexual harassment, and frankly, it’s an outrage. How dare anyone suggest that attorneys—who famously never lie, cheat, or manipulate—would engage in such behavior? Clearly, this is all a deep-state plot to distract us from the real issue: the fact that Austin’s city council is still trying to replace our sacred brisket with quinoa.

According to the latest filings, Brent Webster, Paxton’s right-hand man, allegedly threatened to fire employees if they didn’t testify favorably during the impeachment trial. Now, I’m no legal expert (though I did watch Law & Order once), but isn’t that just good management? If your employees aren’t loyal enough to lie for you, what’s even the point of having them? This is Texas, people. Loyalty is supposed to be our brand.

But wait, it gets better. The lawsuit also claims Webster encouraged a former employee to file a sexual harassment suit against two of Paxton’s former aides. Now, some might call that witness tampering. I call it creative problem-solving. Why bother with messy impeachment trials when you can just sic a lawsuit on your enemies? It’s like Mean Girls, but with more subpoenas.

Speaking of the harassment claims, let’s address the elephant in the room: Judd Stone’s alleged comment about “the most disgusting thing” in someone’s mouth. Look, folks, we’ve all been there. You’re at a work lunch, someone makes a questionable joke, and suddenly HR is involved. It’s called office culture. And if you can’t handle a little casual misogyny and alcohol-fueled rants, maybe you’re not cut out for Texas politics.

Meanwhile, Stone and Hilton are fighting back with their own lawsuit, accusing Webster of, among other things, trying to make witnesses “flee the state.” Again, I fail to see the issue. If you can’t handle the heat, get out of the Texas Senate. Or, you know, literally flee the state. Whatever works.

And let’s not forget the real hero of this story: the Texas Workforce Commission, which determined that the harassment claims had merit. Finally, a government agency doing its job! (Probably because they’re not part of the deep state. Yet.)

In the end, this whole saga is just another reminder that Texas politics is a glorious, unhinged mess. Paxton’s team is at war with itself, the lawyers are lawyering, and the only clear winner is the media, who get to sit back and watch the fireworks. As for the rest of us? Well, at least we still have barbecue. For now.

Stay vigilant, folks. The tofu lobby is watching.