Shampoo Giant Joins Texas Exodus, Promises to Make Wilmer the 'Bougiest Small Town in America'

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming (except, you know, every other company fleeing California like it’s a sinking ship), John Paul Mitchell Systems has decided to pack up its fancy shampoos and relocate to Texas. Because nothing says "salon-quality hair care" like the blistering, humidity-laden winds of Wilmer, Texas—a town so small, even Google Maps occasionally forgets it exists.

Governor Greg Abbott, who has clearly never met a corporate relocation he didn’t want to throw taxpayer money at, proudly announced the move, gushing about how Texas is now the "headquarters of headquarters." Which, honestly, sounds like a slogan dreamed up by an unpaid intern after one too many energy drinks. But hey, when you’ve got companies like Tesla and SpaceX already here, why not add a hair care empire to the mix? Next up: Sephora relocates to a Buc-ee’s parking lot.

John Paul DeJoria, the company’s co-founder and Austin’s newest resident-turned-political-donor (because nothing says "deeply involved with the community" like writing $70,000 in checks to Abbott’s campaign), waxed poetic about Texas’ "entrepreneurial spirit." Translation: "We’re here for the tax breaks, y’all."

And let’s not forget the pièce de résistance—the $640,000 Texas Enterprise Fund grant, because nothing says "free market capitalism" like the government handing out stacks of cash to corporations. But hey, at least JPMS is bringing 80 whole jobs to Wilmer. That’s enough to fill a decent-sized Whataburger.

So, welcome to Texas, JPMS. May your hair products thrive in our deregulated, low-tax paradise. Just don’t blame us when your employees realize they traded Santa Clarita’s mild weather for Wilmer’s "unique" blend of tornado warnings and existential dread. But hey, at least the tacos are cheap. (Even if they’re not "haute" enough for some people.)